I miss her so........

Today, would have been my Nanny's 81st birthday. I love & miss her so very much. I often still can't believe that she is gone.
http://thesappfamily.blogspot.com/2008/09/my-nanny.html?zx=c69e161bc08181e2

I love you Nanny, and I am still celebrating you on this very special day!!

With all my love..... now & always!!

10 years & 3 1/2 months..............

That's when it all began, 10 years & 3 &1/2 months ago. Here, on my 4th wedding anniversary............ I sit back & look at it all.



I prayed & prayed all through high school that God would lead me to the man I should/would spend my life with. I prayed that He would bring us together while we were still so young & "unpolluted" by the world. I had vowed to God to stay pure until marriage. I wore an abstance ring from the time I was 14 years old. It was actually what I asked for on my 14th birthday.....an abstance ring.



I met Nick in March of 1999, toward the end of my senior year in high school. I liked him immediately. We officially began our relationship March 26, 1999. I was scared, and I didn't let him too close for awhile. I was scared of falling in love with him & getting hurt. I kept him at a distance for sometime, because I was so frightened to trust him. Most of the men in my life, had let me down & hurt me very badly.......... I didn't want it to happen again.



A month after we started dating, Nick told me he loved me. I waited. I only wanted to say it, when I knew 100% that I too loved him. Two months later, I realized I did love him. I was in-love with him.



I was frightened about what that meant & what would happen with us leaving for separate colleges soon. Nick debated for a while, and finally came to me and said...." I want to be with you.... I want to spend my life with you.... We will make it work." I felt relief in some ways, yet heartbroken in others. I felt that God had finally lead me to the man who would eventually become my husband, and I didn't want to leave his side...... ever.



College came and we struggled with the distance. I worried about Nick's faithfulness due to the distance & because of his drinking Thursday-Saturday every week. I drove him crazy with questions, but ultimately I trusted him. I also gave him my most treasured gift - my virginity. I felt hew was going to be my husband, and my commitment to him was written in stone in my heart.



After lots of fighting and trouble between us at the end of our Freshman year in college, Nick broke up with me through an email and immediately began dating someone else. A girl I had met. A "friend" of his that lived in his dorm. During his relationship with her, he refused to talk to me, and only called me up when he was drunk. I was heartbroken. I guess their relationship wasn't very deep, because 2 days after returning home for the summer, Nick started calling me. I fell back in ......quickly. Nick swore that he never slept with this other girl, and that I was the only girl for him. I believed it all.



I transferred to Texas Tech to be with the man I loved. I left the college I loved in Austin with a scholarship, wonderful friends, and I hurt my family. I was convinced that Nick was suppose to be my husband; so I made the sacrifices & moved to be with him.



College life together.... finally was up & down. It was college. We roughed it, struggled some, fought some, but I thought our love was truly stronger & above it all. I truly had that much faith in our relationship & in Nick. He had a bunch of classes with primarily girls. He was active in an academic organization which he eventually was president of, that was mostly woman. He had several close girl friends that he hung out with & studied with often. I worried. I questioned. Nick got mad..... often, and I said I was sorry for my worries. Despite it all, I loved this man with all my heart. We wore promise rings all through college, as an outward display of the commitment we had already made to each other.......... that we would be married.

I waited and waited for Nick to "officially" propose to me. For in all honesty, my hearts dream & one desire has always been to be happily married and to have a family. Nothing fancy. No mansions & boats, tiaras or vacation homes............ I just wanted a happy & loving family. I believed if I had the right man who loved me with all his heart and was true to me - we could face all that life could bring us.

Nick finally proposed to me, 3 months after I graduated from college, on September 3, 2004. I was filled with so much joy that it was finally official!!

Nick graduated 3 months after our engagement, and we bought our first home together in Little Elm with the help of my Real Estate license & knowledge of the area.

We were married July 10, 2005 on a Sunday afternoon at 4pm. We were married, we were married, we were finally married. I was so thankful for it all. And I was so happy that Nick and I had been together so long, I thought the longevity of our serious relationship & commitment..... brought so much strength to our marriage. I desperately wanted a baby..... but that would come later.

Nick excelled at work, and although I missed him terribly, I was so proud he was doing so well. During the first 2 years of our marriage, Nick work in New York City with a huge client of his, Goldman Sacks. He was gone 6-12 week stretches at a time. I missed him so, but was so proud of him.

During his first big working trip out to NYC, I got news back from my OBGYN from my routine check up. It wasn't good. They let me know that I had a serious STD that could possibly cause cancer, and that I needed to get in very soon for a biopsy. I was devastated and terrified. I called Nick and asked him if he had ever cheated on me............. and where the hell this could have come from. He acted dumbfounded, and he convinced me it must have come from the girl he DID sleep with while we were broken up that short period our freshman year in college. Heartbroken & numb - I bought it. My mom went with me to the biopsy,and alone I waited for the call on whether or not I had cancer......10 days. Something I have now gone through, by myself, five additional times now.

I did not, nor do I now (that I know of) have cancer. I am, however, considered extremely high risk pre-cancerous. The virus Nick gave me, has already begun changing my body, and the risk of me developing cancer in the next 5-10 years is very high.

After every exhausting examination & waiting period for that dreaded phone call, I would ask Nick if he was sure he had told me everything. He always said yes, and multiple times made me feel so badly for questioning him - I apologised to him for questioning his fidelity.

Beginning in 2007, Nick finally agreed to try and start a family. This was only after he realized the cancer risk to my body, and that if anything advanced or changed in my body........... I might not be able to have or carry a baby. After 10 months of trying, it happened. I got pregnant! I was the happiest I have ever been in my entire life throughout my whole pregnancy. God had blessed us with a baby. All of my wants & dreams had seemed to have come true. So, I thought.

Bliss found me, and her name is Aubrey Katelynn Sapp. She was born 3 days after my 28th birthday, and is without a doubt the absolute love of my life! Her 1st year of life went so quickly, and Nick & I had our ups & downs........... but were honestly beginning to talk about having another baby.

We had our first date night since Bree's arrival. It was on Father's day this year, June 21st, 2009. I had my mom watch our now 1 year old, and Nick & I went out. We saw a movie and went to Dave n' busters. We had an absolutely awesome time together. I truly felt more in love with him and more love from him than I had felt in quite some time.

Then he dropped a bomb on me that shattered our world. During one of my occasional questions to him ...... of "are you sure there isn't anything you've never told me?"..... he hesitated. My heart dropped and I knew something was there. He first told me that yes, he had kissed someone else, a girl (well 1 of 3) that I had always mistrusted. He swore at first that they only kissed and that it only happened once. Then 5 min. later, he started crying & told me that yes he had actually slept with her too, in our bed during college. He told me graphic & specific details of what happened. He cried & said how sorry he was. Two days later he sat in my counselors office & cried & told her the same story. He swore that I knew it all now, and that he would do any and everything to repair our life together.
I was crushed & heartbroken, and in the back of my heart and in the pit of my stomach..... I feared there was more. I was right, 3 days later he sat with me again, crying, and told me that the first story was a total lie. He had slept with that girl, but it didn't happen in anyway in that he told me. It didn't even happen in Lubbock but in Dallas. He swore it only happened once & that they had only kissed on other occasions.
I felt there was still more. There was. I pushed & pushed, and he finally admitted that there was another girl that he had slept with multiple times. (another girl of the 3 that I had always worried about)
He promises that I do indeed know it all now. Hard to believe anything at all now. He also left for several days to be with his parents, who live out of state..... right after he dropped this hand grenade in my face & in my heart.
Since his return, he has yet to shed even 1 tear in my presence. He has also adopted a new attitude & motto that "he is only human." Meaning to me that being human means it is okay to be unfaithful to your wife or future wife. It is okay to give her a life threatening STD and lie about it for years. It is okay to have your scared wife wait alone during biopsies and phone calls about results. It is okay..... because we all make "mistakes." Hard to believe......when such "mistakes" were repeated & repeated & repeated. If that makes you human........... than I must be an alien, for I know not how to induce such pain on those I love.
I loved this man, yes. I loved him with an innocent heart and a pure body. I trusted this man despite doubts in my head about these other woman. I loved, trusted, was proud of and for this man I married, I held his hand and walked beside him, God blessed us with and angel above all angels of a daughter, and all I have ever asked for in return was time with him, honesty, and fidelity.

My heart is broken beyond repair, and now my body bares the disease of his sins. This is not "fixable", especially not with his new "get over it" attitude.

Our marriage is coming to an end. I am sick & sad, but I will survive. Although, I am surprise that his own family, who vowed to stand by myself & my daughter..... as well as their son, upon learning of all of these things........have yet to contact me or reach out to me even once, since Nick has returned from his trip with them. I quickly see were loyalties stand.

You may all be wondering why I have chosen to write so openly about such personal & hurtful things. Well, I have chosen to share all of this for 3 reasons:
1. This blog is about & for my daughter. One day, I want her to know that she was conceived in love and that mommy did love daddy with all of her heart.
2. My personal texts and or emails I have sent Nick after his "coming clean" with me, have been forwarded to others & and or shared with whom ever he has chosen. Therefore, I felt that if this letter & my writings were going to be shared......... I should be the one sharing them.
3. I have nothing to hide. I feel that those of you who read my little blog, care for & about both me & my daughter. Therefore, I beg you all for your thoughts, prayers, and energy at this time. This is the most devastating time of my life, and I do need support. I ask that you pray for my daughter & myself....... that tomorrow might be a brighter day.

Thanks & love,
Allison

Basic Vocabulary Lessons

Be-tray: to act in a way that is contrary to a promise made

Fake: a person or thing that appears or is presented as being genuine but is not

Bro-ken: in two or more pieces, e.g. after having been dropped or struck with something hard

De-stroy: to demolish something or reduce something to fragments

Unfaithful: to have a sexual relationship with somebody other than a spouse or regular sexual partner

"If an intelligent person is betrayed repeatedly, and humiliated publicly, yet chooses to remain in that situation, one must ask: what are the rewards?" Gail Sheehy Vanity Fair

Aubrey's 1st Birthday Party!!!!

Aubrey's 1st birthday party was awesome!! It was just a small gathering of mainly family & very close friends. We ate hot dogs & hamburgers, opened presents, and ate cake (bree looved the icing!!!). It was a beautiful day, and Aubrey's Princess themed party was a hit! By the way, it was Daddy's idea for a princess b-day party.... which I think is just too funny! My mom found Bree the most beautiful Disneyland style princess dress, and Aubrey just looked like a doll! It was such a fun day! I will post more pictures & videos later........ but here is the summary of her little day! :)

Bree's Big cake! It turned out a little more jungle like than princess like...... but still cute & yummy! Hahaha!! ( I think this little princess looks a bit like miss Piggy!)

Cousins & friends!

Yummmmy cake!! Here mommy.... you try!

Pretty pretty princess!!

Aubrey's very own cake!! Smash away baby!!


Cousins! Sutton & Bree (they are just about 10 weeks apart in age)

Birthday Girl!

ONE ...... Happy 1st Birthday Angel!!!!

My Dearest Aubrey, my precious star, my light, my love.....................

Today is the very 1st Anniversary of your birth!! I can't believe it has already been a whole year since my deepest longing, my hearts desire, my every wish came true.............. YOU!!

You arrived at 7:48pm on a Thursday night, 15 days early..... but not a moment too soon. You were a whole 7Lbs 5 oz., with the smallest of white peach fuzz covering your beautiful little head.... and eyes that absolutely pierced my soul with first gaze.

Your first nights home were but a dream, both hard for me to fully remember & difficult for me to believe. How could the most beautiful and most perfect angel be snuggled into my chest, nursing softly next to my heart, breathing in and out with the sweetest breath I've ever smelled.........How, oh, how could this angel be ours??? I thought over and over again.

You grew so quickly, almost too quickly.... just as all had warned. You soon began smiling & cooing; thus, melting my heart into the pool of mush it has become since your birth.

You then began laughing and rolling over. Through my tears of pure joy, I laughed with you. Sprouts of your little personality sprung forth from you day by day, and your silly wit, giving heart, and loving spirit became more and more obvious in each passing moment.

Then, as if over night, you started crawling, babbling, and sadly stopped nursing. Not by any fault of yours, but for Mommy's own health reasons, we had to move you on to formula. I still remember that last night that I held you so tightly to me as you nursed. I wanted it to last forever, and I quietly cried & cried while you nursed yourself to sleep. (February 16, 2009) I was so blessed to be able to nurse you as long as I did, and for my body to continue to nourish your body for almost 8 full months. I was just so sad to see it end. I cried when the rest of your umbilical cord fell off, my love...... so, you can only imagine how sad I was to stop nursing.

Anyway, your quick transition to formula went pretty well once mommy & daddy found a bottle you would take. Then before we knew it, you were off growing even more. Soon, you started pulling up on everything and standing all by yourself. You held on tightly to Mommy's hands, as you walked any and everywhere. And like everything you do, I saw the longing in your eyes to do it all by yourself...... to truly be a "big girl". My angel, if you could but only hear & understand me say, "you have your whole life ahead of you to be "big"....... so, please, stay "small" as long as possible!!!"

So, here we are now. You my precious Love, are 1 year old. You can now walk all by yourself, say mammmma and dadddda all the time, chase the doggies with your push/walking toys, you laugh at both your parents and yourself, and you .... in all of your genius (you little mensa child you) will hopefully some day understand how much you are loved. I know their are many who would scorn me for saying this or feeling this, but you my love, are my purpose. My reason for existence. My drive to get out of bed each morning, and the reason for the smile on my face & in my heart. You are my happy ending, my ever after, my once upon a time - come true, and I shall thank God for you every day there is breath in my body.... and then some. I love you baby girl, and I celebrate with my whole being the gift & miracle that you are! Happy 1st birthday angel....... no matter how old you are........ you will forever be my baby!

29

Yes, yesterday was my 29th birthday. I can't believe it, the last in my 20's. That seems so strange to me. Anyway, I had a wonderful day. Nick took off work, watched baby girl, and I went out for the day. It was so nice to get out & about without worrying about my little monkey. I even turned my ringer off on my phone. I did a little much needed shopping. I have only bought 2 shirts post pregnancy. And with baby girl turning ONE on Friday, I feel I can no longer make excuses for still wearing my maternity shirts around. Plus, I had 6 gift cards to various stores that have been piling up for 2 years. Ridiculous.
So, I shopped a little bit for both Bree & I, grabbed some lunch at the mall, shopped a tad more, and then darted to a movie! Yay! I love movies, and I haven't been to one without Bree since her birth. I saw The Hangover, which was pretty funny. Then I ran home, changed clothes, and jumped in the car with Nicky and Bree to meet my Mom & brother for a birthday dinner. Afterwards, we went to my mom's for presents and cake, and by the time we got home we were all just totally exhausted!
I truly couldn't have asked for a better more peaceful birthday to wrap up my twenties! Thank you all for your sweet cards, notes, and phone calls.............. I truly had a beautiful day!! :)

Stinkin' Blubbery Mess.........

Yes, that would be ME! Deep breath, deep breath...................... my baby is about to be ONE! I just finished writing Miss Bree's birthday letter, and yes, I'm still crying. So ridiculous! Phew..... didn't think I would be quite this emotional. Stay tuned for Aubrey's birthday updates, pictures, and writings...... I'm sure there will be a plethora of all.

We have a walker............

Bree has been taking steps here & there for nearly two months, but all of a sudden last night, she just took off!

One week

In just one short week, our precious little girl will turn 1!!! I just can't believe it!! A whole year (nearly) has passed since I was pregnant?!? The first year of Aubrey's life is almost over..... and we will have a toddler?!?! My God...... please, help me hold on tightly to all the precious moments that fly through our hands daily, like sand in the wind.

......I have a feeling that this is going to be a rather emotional week for me!

Wordless Wednesday + Videos

Grass + Aubrey = Funny

Aubrey is so funny!! As soon as our grass started turning green, I tried to let her stand up & walk around in it. Well, she didn't like that plan! Hahahaha!! So, when my mom & brother were over for the holiday weekend....... we showed them Miss Bree's reaction to grass! Matt taped it for us while we all laughed! :-)

Happy 11 month Birthday to my beautiful little girl!!!!!!!! (long post)

Aubrey,
Mommy just can not believe that you are nearly 1 year old! It is so difficult for me to believe that this time last YEAR, I was running around trying to prepare everything for your most anticipated arrival. Although, you weren't due until July 4th, I turned into the most hyperactive "nester" at the beginning of June. I guess it was a good thing, my love, because you were 15 days early!
Sweet girl, every day you grow & change..... and simply amaze me. Someone once told me that I, as your mother, am here to protect & provide for you, and that you were here to teach me. I believe that is true. You teach me..... you teach us all...... what can not be written in a book, learned in a class room, or measured by any testing. You teach me unconditional, unrelenting, forever growing love. You remind me of the simple glory and utter excitement in the smallest of life's daily happenings. I see the wonderment in your eyes when you clap for yourself, when you lose yourself in laughter at the doggies being silly, and when you taste & see things for the first time. You, my littlest teacher, are God's most glorious work, and Mommy & Daddy's most treasured blessing.
I love you my baby girl.... to the stars, moon, and back again.

You have learned SOOO MUCH this past month. I almost feel badly that I didn't make a separate post for each of the new things you have done. :( Here is what you are doing these days:
- Saying Mommmma Mommma Momma so much now!!! (I love it..... even when you are screaming it! Haha)
- You have also said what seems like Dadda a few times too!
- You have turned into a super star crawler. And by that I mean, you are fast as lightening!!
- You still love to walk with mommy holding your hands, or by holding on to anything around you.
- You continue to take 1-3 steps alone every once in a while.
- Lately, you are getting more brave & are letting go of things & just standing on your own. You have even stood up all by yourself & then stood there and clapped for yourself.
-OH, and you learned to clap this month! It is soo cute! You even seem to know when to clap!!
- You still take a bath every night with mommy, and unfortunately you are still not sleeping through the night most nights.
-Mommy has gotten into the worst habbit of actually just sleeping with you in the guest room. So, mommy & daddy are researching video monitors..... in the hopes of getting you back to your own little bed.
- You love your doggies, and often give them open mouth kisses. (Mommy trys not to imagine the germ factor!) They love you too, and always want to kiss you or check on you....... and they especially love sitting close to you when your in your high chair eatting! ;-)
- You are still very much a pacifier baby! You LOVE your pacifiers, but Mommy is gradually trying to only let you have time when you are upset or going to sleep.
- Your hair is really starting to come in now, and it is just beautiful! There are some days that I see hints of strawberry blonde and other days you just look really blonde. You also have a bunch of curls poping up in the back. SO, so cute!!
- You have started getting a little ........hmmmm, let's say firey. Somedays, I definately think we have already hit toddler hood! Let's just say, at this point anytime Mommy says "OUCH," you laugh at me. :(
- You got your final big girl car seat this month, and you are so much more comfortable. I look back at you sometimes, & you are just streched out & passed out!
- You share anything you have. You share your toys with others, your pacifer with mommy, and your food with the doggies. You really do have a giving heart!

Here are some pictures of you at your 11 month Photo Shoot:

"Gratitude can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. It makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." -Melody Beattie

Bree, I am so grateful for you my love!

Springtime, Gardening, and Photos......

..................what could be better!?!



I'm not the best at gardening, but I do love planting flowers, bulbs,...... and trees. Honestly, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I just tend to pick out things that I think are pretty & try them out. A couple of years ago, I planted tons of bulbs all around our house, and I am always surprised every season at what comes up. It's kind of fun. I also convinced Nick maybe three or four years ago, that we needed a peach tree. This is the 3 year it has produced edible peaches! It's so neat, because in the mornings lately, Bree & I will just walk outside and pick our peach for breakfast! And they are so sweet & yummy too!!

This weekend, Nick was doing some yard work, and Bree and I decided to join him. We really weren't much help...... more or less I saw it as a great opportunity to spend some more time with Daddy...... as well as have a fun photo shoot! I found this awesome watering can a few weeks back, and I couldn't wait to show Bree & let her play with it. She seemed to have fun sticking her little hand and mouth (haha) in the water ...wherever it came out!



Here a some..... excessive photos of our flowers, peaches, and the beautiful Miss Bree!!

My 1st Mother's Day

Nick was Lubbock, helping his brother celebrate his wonderful achievement of graduating from Law school. He made his way back to dallas mid-afternoon. So, Bree & I had the morning all to ourselves. She even laid back down again, and let her momma get a little extra sleep! Woot!! Then, we met my mom & brother for a late brunch. After our tummies were all full, we headed back to my house for some mother's day gifts & family time. My mom made me some beautiful pictures of Bree & I that we will be hanging up in her room. Nick got me a "day at the spa" gift card..... which sounds amazing! And all & all ....it was just simply a wonderful mother's day!!

I know... yuck.... but I used a bunch of sanitizing wipes

on this table before Bree got her little hands on it! It was fun times!!

Walking off our brunch with Uncle Matt

My love...

Loving Motherhood....

Three generations!!! (Don't mind me mid-blink) :)

Writings from my journal.........

Today, I sit & reflect.

I sit here & realize that Mother's day (for me at least)

isn't truly a day to celebrate me, but a day to celebrate the fact that I am a mother.

A mother to the most glorious child I have ever met.

A day to bask in the bliss that being a mother has brought me.

Mother's day is a celebration of the pure wonderment found in being a mother.

A day to praise all the other mothers & women in my life, who have helped teach me how to be a mother.

Today is not only my first mother's day, but my first mother's day without my grandmother, my nanny. That still stings.

I wish so much that Aubrey could have had some memories with her amazing great-grandmother.

It's strange to me, to be stepping up to motherhood & the celebration of motherhood, without a grandmother.

Although, I have gratitude in my heart & in my being for not just my grandmother but my mother, as well. I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by beautiful, strong, loving, and supportive women all my life. I knew my granny (great-grandmother), my nanny, and my mom all loved & cherished me. They each have helped me become the mother that I am, and I celebrate them!

I sit here & cherish my mother, my daughter, all the women that I love in my life .... both present & not, and the love that flows from the beyond. Today & everyday...... I am grateful for the gift of motherhood.

Congratulations Uncle Matt Sapp!!

Uncle Matt S. graduated from Law School today!! Way to go Uncle Matty, we are so proud of you!! Good luck next year in Houston to you & Morgan, and try to hurry back to DFW!! :)

Bree & I are sorry we weren't there to help celebrate, but we hope to see you soon!

(Sorry Matt........ All I could find was a picture of Aunt Morgan!)

Investing in my beliefs......

I've seen that Sarah Mclachlan TV commercial for the ASPCA about a dozen times. I cry every time. Today, I saw it for the last time. I logged on to the web site & committed to a monthly donation. You can pick your amount, and even if it's $5 a month. Can you think of a better way to spend a couple bucks a month than helping animals?? I can't. I love animals sooo much, and I am absolutely heart sick about the amount of animals that are abused, neglected, and killed every day here in our country.

If you are interested, I'd encourage you to give whatever you can. Abuse, neglect, and death, can only begin to change for these precious animals with our awareness & help.

Here is the web site, if you are interested.
http://www.myaspca.org/

Here is the video that will always make me cry.



Don't close your eyes to what is happening....... please help if you can.

Good Bye Oldie..... Hello Moo Moo

Today I had Miss Bree's big girl car seat installed! I was kind of excited for her to get in her new car seat (with the cool animal print). Her big girl car seat sets up higher, & I think she might enjoy being able to see out a little better. Although, I'm going by the rules & still doing the rear facing position. Some people say you can go by weight, but I've read to go by age rather than weight for safety purposes. As soon as she hits 1 year, we will be flipping that car seat right around! I can't wait to look back & see her beautiful little face! :)

Anyway, it was also kind of sad. :( I brought her home in this car seat from the hospital, and to think that this was the last day she would ever be little enough to ride in it was kind of sad. I know, I'm probably just being ridiculous..... but nevertheless, I was a tiny bit sad when I set her old baby car seat in the garage this afternoon.

(Side note: By the way, you can have the local police department install car seats at no charge. I did this with her first car seat & now with her new one. It's pretty cool, because not only do they install it perfectly.... they will show you what to do with out you having to sift through all those instructions. I like that part! Ha! Officer Nick Saraceni of the Frisco PD off of Stonebrook Parkway # 972-292-6136, is incharge of the whole car seat safety stuff. He has worked with me both times & done a great job.)

Getting in our old car seat one last time......

"Where are we off to now Momma?..." :)

Gotta get in one last nap on the way to the Police Station....

WooHooo...... check out my new ride.....

And..... My first nap in the Moo Moo mobile.....