My Nanny........

As most of you know by now, we lost my grandmother, Ruby Earline Sutton, on Saturday morning September 13th at about 12:45am. I still feel bad that I wasn't with her when she passed, as I was with my grandfather. Bree & I had been up with her at the Nursing home most of the day & evening on Wed., Thurs., and Friday...... and by Friday at around 9pm..... we were pretty tired. Nick met us up there around 5pm that day, and was able to give Bree a little break & get her out for a little bit.

That evening, my mom, my brother, and I sat with my grandma. We cleaned her up, helped her with breathing treatments, and tried to make her comfortable. After my brother left, my mom & I just took turns holding my grandma's hand.

As I left that evening, I whispered in her ear how much she was loved. I told her of all the loved ones waiting for her in heaven, and asked her to save us all a spot next to her. I kissed her face & said one more time, "I love you Nanny," and I made my way out of the nursing home.

Nick & I grabbed something to eat on the way home, scarfed our food down, and rushed home. When we got home I gave Bree a long bath & just let her play as much as she wanted. She is always a wonderful baby, but over the last couple of days with my grandma......... she was more than an angel. It's almost like she knew. In fact, one of the hospice volunteer's commented on how good she was, and that she probably did know. She said Bree was still close to the other side because she was so new to the world. (I know.... it may sound weird to some of you..... but I liked it & found comfort in it.)

After I let Bree play to her hearts content, and eat until her tummy was full, I got her bundled up & I put her down for the night. I then jumped in the shower myself. Nick was still sleeping on the couch, because he had been really sick that week. So, Nick went & laid down, and I tried to lay my head down..... but I just couldn't rest. About that time, around 12:30ish am, I got a call from my mom. My mom had hired a nurse to stay with my grandma when she left at around 10:30pm. Then nurse had called my mom to tell her that my grandma was getting really bad.

When I got off the phone with my mom, I was trying to figure out what to do. I thought I might have a couple of hours before Bree got up to eat & that I could just leave her with Nick. I just didn't know what to do..... and I was pretty tired myself. The next thing I knew the phone was ringing again. My stomach dropped, and all I felt was dread. I answered the phone. It was my brother. He said Nanny was gone. I went & woke Nick up. I told him that she was gone, & I just laid in his arms & cried.

I was always extremely close to both of my Mom's parents. I treasure that! But my grandmother....... I can hardly remember any family time without her. She moved to Dallas in the late 80's, and I probably saw her almost every other day, until I went off to college. She wasn't my "extended family".... she was my Immediate family. She was funny, and artsy. She could paint beautifully. She loved to laugh.... and she had the most contagious laughter. She would get the giggles .... or would "just get tickled" as she would say. And you couldn't help but laugh along with her. She loved music & movies. She liked gardening & loved flowers. She had a green thumb to say the least. She absolutely loved the ocean & beach. In fact, I can hardly look a sea shell without thinking of her. She always had tons of shells at her house. She loved God. She was always reading little devotional books or bible studies. She would braid my hair, and pick me up from soccer practice. She loved shopping, and getting her hair & nails done. She liked humming songs as she walked around the house. She volunteered for almost 30 years. She was a beautiful, beautiful woman. She told funny stories about playing in tar (when they were paving streets around her home as a child) and ruining brand new dresses my great-grandma made her. Stories about keg beer & boyfriends. She........ she is so many things & she makes up so many many memories of mine. I can't believe she is gone. And I ache for her.

This is kind of stupid, but a line from a movie keeps coming back to me every time I sit & think..... I should have stayed with my grandmother that night. It's from Fried Green Tomatoes and it says..... "she was a lady..... and a lady always knows when to leave." My grandmother was.... is a lady...... and I guess just she needed to leave.

Grief is such a strange thing, and I guess it is different every time. Loosing my grandmother feels so much different than loosing my grandfather. Both equally as hard..... but just different. Some moments I feel fine..... Others I just get totally over whelmed & start crying. Grief has so many colors. I guess it's sort of like the ocean tide..... it comes in waves.

As I sit here typing this & cry ...... I think how very blessed I was to have her as my grandmother, to know her, to love her....... She was such a blessing in my life. She hung on long enough to meet her great-granddaughter, and I am so grateful for that as well. Even at the funeral service, the preacher mentioned that he thought that "Aubrey will always have the most wonderful guardian angel watching over her." And I know that is true.

I love you Nanny..... Forever & always.... there is no end. You are a part of me & will always live on inside of me...... and now in Bree. I love you............