Single Motherhood: Behind the Scenes

There are questions that people ask me about what it's like to be a single mom. Typically, the questions are very indirect. It's rare that someone just comes right out and asks a question regarding how I handle it or what it is really like to be a single parent.

On the flip side (this mostly pertains to those who don't have children at all), there are some people in my life that have absolutely no idea what it takes to be a parent, let alone a single parent. So, it's been on my heart to address it, to give it a voice, a color, a story.  This is what our life, my life as a single Mommy really looks like....

Let's start with some facts.  I have primary custody of my little angel, who is now (nearly) 3 & 1/2 years old.  Our custody agreements are a little different that standard P & A (divorce language for "possession and access") or what is understood as visitation, but generally, I have Bree 90-95% of the time. She is with her Dad 4 nights of the month. That's it.

Thankfully, her Dad and I have come a long way. Not only do we get along for the sake of our daughter (which we have been pretty good about early on in our never ending divorce proceedings), but we have begun to move back into a friendship type relationship. We were best friends for the better part of the 11 years we were together, and I am so grateful that is where we are at this point.  Nevertheless, Nick has a very VERY demanding job that keeps him away more than not, with extremely long hours and traveling.

I have been working with Bree and trying to prepare her for a part-time pre-school program that was to start this January.  I just found out that the spot I was told they had available for Bree in this particular program, was not really there - or had been given to someone else. GRRRRRRR!!!!  So, I don't even know what to do, but I know without a shadow of a doubt - Bree needs to be around other kiddos. She needs the socialization, and she also needs to step into doing things without mommy.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE doing things with my angel!  I also know that it is in her best interest that she is around other kiddos & realizes how brilliant & independent she really is.... and how fun it is to have friends!

I always wanted to be a Mom.  My whole life, I could not wait to have children and be a Mommy!  I always always wanted to be able to stay home with my kiddos until they went to school, even if that meant waiting until I was a little older.  So, I am unbelievably grateful to not only be a Mom, but to be able to stay home with my angel, until she is a little older & off at school most days.  Nevertheless, I don't believe most people, unless they have done it, really and truly know how hard it is & what it takes to be a stay at home mom.  It is not easy, lazy, or eating bon bons .... EVER!

To be a single stay at home mom.... well, this is what it looks like:

*No breaks... ever.... 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

-Bath time, bedtime, nap (which rarely happens these days), snack time, meal time - every meal, projects, playtime, crafts, puzzles, books - story time, play-dates, doctors appointments, every cold or virus, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, house hold budges, paying bills, movies, outings, etc..... Being a single stay at home Mommy means handling/juggling all of this and so much more - on my own.

-It means that having a child that is a terrible sleeper, your bed is not your own, and that sleep is a luxury you very very rarely get!

-It also means that I don't have a break in the evenings, like many woman do when their spouses come home - to have a bath by themselves, or even run to the store kid free for an hour.

-So, 95% of every bath or shower you have, is shared with a pre-schooler who is either actually bathing with you, or dismantling your bathroom while you rush through your shower (barely washing out the conditioner from your hair and never feeling like you shaved your legs without missing a spot or nicking yourself).

-It also means that I don't have a person to snuggle up with on the couch on rainy sunday afternoons, while we laugh and play with our beautiful daughter that we made together & was given to us by God. -It means that attending Church on Sundays feels like shit, now, because suddenly Sunday church feels like a different world, a different life.... for those families with a husband, wife, and kids. So, Saturday nights becomes the only time that rightfully feels like church time.

-It means finding a church home by yourself, and making all of the spiritual choices for your child's foundation - alone.

-It means that I don't have someone to talk with & figure out what pre-schools we should be thinking about or looking at, to discuss life and to encourage each other, or some one to hold me or rub my back on bad days.

-It means surrendering the dreams I had of having 3 or 4 children, and the life I always felt was intended for me.

-It means not just having Faith, but acting in Faith all of the time... which are very different.  It means, sometimes, somedays I may not even be able to see the ground beneath my feet or have any understanding how I will get through today or whatever is directly ahead of me. So, I must chose to  act in Faith & trust that God will allow the ground to meet my feet in every step I make that day. I must have Faith that God will meet me where I am, and the provisions will be made for me, even when I can not see or understand.

-It means, if I ever wish or want to have a partner in my life, I must date again.... which I've never really done, anyway.

-It means, balance.... finding a balance in EVERYTHING, and never really knowing if what you are doing is the right thing. It is giving yourself permission to accept that you are doing the best you can with what you have at the time.

Being a single mom that stays at home and is now back in school, is literally the combination of 3 different worlds that would be plenty enough to handle separately:

1. Being a Mom

2. Being single

3. Being a student

This is just a glance, a brief & not at all thorough glance at what life looks like, being a single stay at home Mommy who is now back in school too.  So, I hope it answers some questions, helps you hold & be thankful for the partner you may have, or allows you some patience with other single Mommies.  It is tough, but I know God will never give me more than I can handle. I also know that the dreams & desires that God had for me and my life, are often bigger than my own.  I may not be able to see fully around the bend, but I do have Faith that there is a purpose for it all.

3 Years...

Could it be that long ago?? It seems like I waited forever, prayed my whole live, then prayed tearfully for months just before, longing for you .... and then suddenly, it happened. I found out 3 years ago today that you were there, you were finally on your way! I was pregnant, and you were growing inside of me... two hearts in one body.


Oh, words could never describe the unbelievable joy that broke all the walls down in my heart that could ever suggest that love has a limit. Angel, never has there been a daughter that was ever wanted & loved more than you! My love for you, Aubrey, has taught me true & unconditional - limitless love!! Although...I feel I must add, that I believe you have always been there, baby doll.... you were with me before & always. I think that is why my heart ached so during the waiting time between my birth & yours, because I missed you, my love. I know that Mommy had to come first & prepare a path for you, but I will admit that there were days I wasn't very patient in waiting. Hahaha... oh... I wished for you so!

Unfortunately, it didnt turn out the way I had always believed & prayed it would be for you. The life I wished, prayed, and tried with all my might to give you .... was a different image than the life we have today. That doesn't mean that the one I hoped for & lost was better, no... I have faith that the life we are building, the path Mommy is mowing down for you to follow behind.... it WILL BE BEAUTIFUL and PERFECTLY and UNIQUELY OURS. Colorful, healthy, fun, true, real, open, loving, graceful, with endless possibilities & adventures.... this is our life now, baby.

My little angel, when I was pregnant with you & even now, I can almost picture you waiting patiently in the arms of our Father for the day when He would lovingly kiss your face and place you in my arms... waiting patiently for your time to begin your life and new journey. Oh my, how very very lucky am I? Blessed beyond measure...

Thank you, Father.....Thank you, Lord for your faithfulness. Thank you for placing your most amazing miracle in my arms, to call me Mommy. I know the honor You have bestowed upon me with this precious gift, my daughter. I ask that You, please continue to light our path, guide me in all I do, and for love to be the only language we act with, speak with, and dwell in for all our days.

Aubrey, thank You, little Love, for choosing me to be your Mommy! I could never wish for anyone more. I adore you, and I cherish every precious moment we have together. You are the most glorious child, most amazing person I have ever known. I am so proud of you, and for you to call me Mommy! I feel like I wear a first place blue ribbon across my heart everytime I look at you & understand, you... beautiful little you, you are my daughter.

Some say that energy never dies, it only changes form. I believe this is true. Some believe we have been here before, in different decades/centuries,that we have lived before. I also believe this is a very real possibility. I believe that you & I have walk hand in hand before. Maybe always. For how could I have ever once existed without you?? Simple. I didn't... you have always been.... your energy, your little spirit was part of the spark that started it all.

So, today..... you are why. You are why today is remembered with celebration & pure joy... the day we found out you finally on your way!!

3 years.... my God... how much has happened in such little time...

How Do You Live Your Dash?

This poem was given to me a couple months ago. As I was sifting through mounds of paper work that at times seem to be talking over my life, I pulled this out & read it once more. I needed it today ...which, of course is why it was given to me months ago..... So, that I may find it like a needle in a haystack amongst my paperwork, on the precise day it was intended for me to digest.

Taking Time to Swing
 -December 2009

Once more, I am humbled by a God of miraculous design. Her Maternal unconditional love that provides provisions for me daily. It makes me wonder why it is I struggle every day to just turn it over?  Turn over my fear, my worry, my heart ache, my longing, ...my all, for all I need to do is but to ask for help & so shall it be... because that has been promised to me. One day soon (I pray), I will do this, daily. I will turn it over with out being broken first, without buts & half hearted trusting, and someday it will feel natural to do this... rather than feeling like I'm hand writing a final exam essay in pencil with my left hand. Ha! I guess that analogy is funny in it's self, being that we each write our own lives.... and writing with your less dominate hand, looks like a child's hand writing.  If we could all learn to write our lives with the heart of a child, hand in hand with the God of our own understanding (however you choose to label or perceive Her/Him/Higher Power).... how different would our lives be, how different our experience & perception, & how different our reality might be?

What do I want other's to say of my dash? 

 ..... I would pray that people would know me, think of me, & remember me as a Woman of courage & love. A Woman, a Lady.... who lived her life fully ALIVE and with full intention & passion, free & fully present, with an open & willing heart .... even, or.... ahem.... shall I say, especially in times of trial or uncertainty.  I would hope that I lived a life, daily, that taught my daughter by example who she would like to be like, more than not. I long for Aubrey/Bree... or my Breezy to know & remember her Mommy to be silly, loving, giving, bright, undefeated by life's fallout's, yet foul-able... therefore, teachable. A person willing to admit mistakes & weaknesses, and stronger yet... because she could not only give, but also ask for help. A Woman who braved to tread the path less traveled, so that there might be a way, a better life for her & her Breezy. And finally, I wish that the little foot print I may leave behind on this earth or in the hearts of those who knew me... when my life has reached it's end & I must pass on..... is a messy one of unique hope, laughter, and one of example, of how to dance... a heart able... willing... and wanting to dance in sun & in the rain .... or with a broken arm... or a broken heart... with joy & with pain.

So, here is the poem that sparked this writing today.....

How Do You Live Your Dash?

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning.... to the end.

He noted that first came her date of birth

and spoke of the following date with tears,

But he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years. (1944-1998)

For the dash represented all the time
that she spent alive on earth....
And now only those who loved her
know what that little dash is worth.

For it matters not, how much we owe;
the cars.... the house... the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our little dash.

So, think about this long and hard...
are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what's true and real,
And always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
and show appreciation more.
And love the people in our lives
like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
and more often wear a smile...
Remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read
with your life's actions to be rehashed...
Would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent your dash?

Published!!

Whoop, Whoop, Whooooo!!

Yes, indeedy! The winds of change have been blowing for so so long, and now some good stuff is finally blowin' our way!

I submitted a few of my photographs for a local magazine Cover contest, and although we didn't make the cover, we did get published as an Honorable Mention! It is in the August 2010 issue of Frisco Style Magazine, and Miss Aubrey's photo is on the 4th page. I am so excited! I feel like my passion for photography & my deep longing to make a business out of my passion is beginning to take root. More importantly, the photo that was selected for publication was of Aubrey! It's just like a double shot of "hell yeah!"

http://digital.turn-page.com/title/4248 or http://www.friscostyle.com/

Again, I bow my head in gratitude for the windows & doors that were & are being opened for me .... remembering that even "in the Winter, far beneath the bitter snow... lays a seed that with the sun's love, in the Spring becomes the Rose."

This time a year ago, I would never ever dreamed what a long & hard road still lay ahead of me. I also, never could have imagined how difficult, but how glorious it could be to actually begin to heal, start again from ground zero, and best of all.... to finally begin to discover myself.

The road is still rough, the path is still unknown, there are mountains still waiting to be climbed, but for now, for this moment..... it is okay, I am okay, ... we are not only okay.... we are just were we need to be, right now. ;-)

A million moons ago..... & Chapter 1

...That is what it feels like. It feels like a million moons have past, and I am in a new life, a different life,... a life I never dreamed would be mine.

When a person's life ends as they know it, and yet their heart continues to beat.... it seems as though there isn't one piece of the "old life", the old mind, .... the innocent heart, that is not broken to a point that life itself seems almost unrecognizable.

The end of my old life began with the death of my marriage. It has been 13+ months since our marriage was taken off life support. Like any life being kept alive on false mechanisms, a grasping for breath automatically begins .... and as the heart finally gives way & beats that final time, physically it appears that the rest of the body is awaiting the memo... that it is all over. Not one more breath will ever be taken again, no oxygen will be found to feed the cells of the body, & the blood will never circulate... will never pump through that body ever again. Then slowly, each body part begins to understand, stop its instinctual fight to survive, and quickly die from deprivation. It is like gazing at a fully lit house, every room bright with light & movement. Then one by one, each room goes black, until the darkness is so thick, one loses their perception on where they are, what is happening, and what is real. Upon looking at a life that has just passed away, I have many times just sat there & cried while thinking & trying to understand that this life is gone forever. That there will be no more movements, no more tears to be shed or wiped away, no more kisses given & received, no more winks, no more laughs, no more smiles, no more hands interlaced, no more hugs, no more back scratches, no more memories to be made, no more .... no more.... no more. It is over, and that body & that life is over.

For me, I think my grief for this death deepened once I understood that not only had something so precious to me died, but along with it.... the dream I had for my life had died as well. The dream my heart had for the life I longed & prayed for since I was a little girl. The dream of a husband & wife, children, a home, memories on every wall, stories for every stage & time of life, a partnership, a love that could not be broken, faithful hearts & bodies, children that learned what they should seek in a relationship just by watching Mommy & Daddy, a God centered family with dreams & love & happiness to spare. The dream, ha.... 'twas a beautiful dream, and the death of it feels almost worse than any death I have ever grieved.

Along the way, while the death of my old life continued to catch up with the rest of me.... there have been so many losses. Friends have come & gone, family members have passed on, others moved away, friends have lost pregnancies, lost a child, & lost parents, family pets have passed on as well......... and once in a while I find my chest heaving, my bones aching, & my heart breaking with pain again & again.... that which is mine, theirs, ....ours. Was it really so long ago, that other time... that other life.... that other day, when loss like this was unthinkable & incomprehensible?

As is with every blistery cold & dark night, there are moments where you think you just can not stand the cold/the dark for even one more instant. You know you could not possibly handle it anymore if even one thing, anything got any worse. It is those moments over this past 13+ months that I have been shown that I can. Just when I felt my legs would give by the weight I was carrying, another stone was place on top, or another side rail my hands where grasping on to was removed. I have stop saying, "it couldn't possibly get any harder or any worse," because I have now learned that, yes, it always can. I have also learned that nothing is too heavy for God, and asking for help from my higher power, my friends, my support systems is not only okay.... but required in this life. It is something I am still struggling with, the asking for help part. I must make an effort to remind myself daily that God (our Higher Power, The Goddess... haha) whatever you perceive that to be, wants unity & fellowship. We were not meant to live our lives in solitary, nor where we meant to walk broken paths & stormy mountains all by ourselves.

In the bible, it says where Two or more are gathered together.... God is there. I am learning what that really means, slowly. I have to remove myself from the "religious" teachings of my youth, and realize that what that really means is that with each heart that shines like a light in a darkened house..... the more people that stand in unity together & shine like mirrors to one another when one has begun to dim.... the brighter the light, & the stronger each heart may become that is gathered as one. God is in each of us, for we are his creations, and sometimes only when there another person in front of you... can you catch a glimpse of the life & beauty that is also in you.

I have been blessed. I have been sparred. I have been loved. I have been guided. I have been provided a new life, not by my design... but by God's Grace. I have kept moving, kept walking, kept crawling, kept searching for a lit window. I am finding those lights more & more, and although this home, my "new" life feels far from bright & lit up in every room........ a have found some candles & with them some mirrors. The reflections from these mirrors of the dancing candle light in this new empty home remind me that life & dreams for that matter, are never to be taken for granted, they are never under my control, and sometimes .... just sometimes our eyes must get use to the dark so that God may show us how glorious & precious light/ sunlight is to behold.

............And so it is. Here I begin, a new life, a new look, a little scarred & weary, but with a beating heart & lungs full of air.

Chapter 1:

Give a dog...... a lift! :)

It sure is the little things that bring so much joy! Bree is such a little sweet heart! I have always known she is smart, but I didn't realize every little detail she really picks up on. Our old precious little dog, Bailey, has trouble seeing, jumping, and just getting around.... some days. So, every time it is nap time or bedtime, I put Bree in bed, then lean down and pick up Bailey and lay him at the foot of our bed. I never knew that Bree understood that he needed help, ......... until she started trying to lift him up & help him in bed the other day!!!!

Bailey pretty much thinks anytime we are in the bedroom, it must be time to get in bed. Well, as Bree and I were playing with some toys in our room the other day, Bailey was trying his hardest to get in bed. Bree simply walked over and began helping him.

I laughed 'til I nearly cried, and my heart just melted to see what a gentle sweet spirit my daughter has!!

"For happiness one needs security, but joy can spring like a flower even from the cliffs of despair."

-Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Special

I just wanted to send a special thank you out there to a couple very special people in my life. You know who you are, and I just love & thank you for being in my life! You have made all the difference!

"A hundred times a day I remind myself that my inner and outer life depend on the labors of other people, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the full measure I have received and am still receiving."

~Albert Einstein~

A year ago today.........

(Side note............ much of what I write on my blog is not only just about my daughter..... but for my daughter. I hope one day she is able to read these entries like a journal. So, if some of these stories bore you or are not of interest to you...... I won't be offended!)

October 27th, 2007 is a day I will never forget! It was the day I found out I was pregnant with our little Aubrey!! I can't believe it has already been one year, but what a year it has been.

Nick & I had been trying to have a baby for 10 months, and although that doesn't sound like forever..... it sure felt like it. I have always, always wanted to be a Mommy. I think I even started getting baby fever in my early 20's. Of course, we weren't ready for a baby then...... I just longed for the day we would be ready.
So, when that time finally came where we were both ready emotionally & financially..... I thought it would just happen right away. Several of my friends got pregnant the first month or two of trying..... and some weren't even trying. I was disappointed the first 2-3 months when it didn't happen, by the 5th or 6th month started getting depressed, and by the 7th & 8th month.... I started thinking that maybe something was wrong. It seemed everywhere I turned someone else was pregnant, and I started wondering if we would ever know that joy. I know many people try for years & years.... and honestly I don't know how they do it. My whole heart goes out to them...... because all I can say is.... it just hurts! You feel defective & abnormal. You want to be happy for everyone around you who is pregnant or has a child...... but it is sort of gut wrenching. And those who are fortunate enough to not experience this..... can never quite understand the tears that flow when you are alone. Or when you get the newest call from a friend saying "I'm pregnant..... or Guess what.... so & so is pregnant now." You smile & say yay for you or them! But smiling when all you want to cry gets harder as the months go by. I hope most of you out there never experience this or understand what I'm talking about! I know some of you are thinking, Allison it was just 10 months..... what are you talking about? It didn't feel like that! It felt like my whole life + 10 months that I was hoping for a child.... our child.

Anyway, we saw a doctor in October 2007, & were going to begin fertility testing in early November. Then on Saturday, October 27th...... all of that changed! I got up early that morning & took a test. I had taken about 183 pregnancy tests at this point (okay maybe not quite that many... but you get the point), and immediately just one line came up. At this point in the game, I had given up on staring at the test for 5-10 minutes at a time ... thinking it would change..... which I did for the first several months. So, I gave the test about a min. & threw it away. Another negative test..... oh well..... ! I crawled back in bed & asked Nick if he ever thought this would happen for us. He, of course, said yes, & that next month would be the month (which my sweet husband always told me). Nick went & got us some yummy & oh so bad for you breakfast at McDonald's. We had a lazy morning, and Nick left around noonish to go get his haircut. I went to the restroom right after he left, and just happened to glance down at the test I took early that morning. But wait.......... what the hell? Something was wrong with it. There was another .... very faint line. Ummm.... what??? No, no, no..... I'm hallucinating, I thought. Don't get your hopes up, don't get your hopes up, I told myself over & over. I text Nick to call me as soon as he was finished.
Nick called about 30 min. later, and I told him was was going on. I told him it was probably nothing, but to please stop & get a couple more tests on his way home. He brought home several digital tests that actually say "pregnant" or "not pregnant". Nick waited in the bathroom with me. The digital hour glass came up telling us to keep waiting. I flipped the test face down on the counter and waited as long as I possibly could before flipping it over (about 5 seconds). As soon as I flipped it over....... it said "PREGNANT"!!! Nick just stared at me.... and I just stared at the test. "What? ........ What?......... Well, what does it say?" Nick was asking. I couldn't speak. I just turned the test towards him. He smiled & hugged me..... and threw in a "I told you it would happen"!!
This is an excerpt from my journal this day, last year.
" Today our prayers, my longing, my ache, my dream came true!! I'm pregnant!!! What? I can hardly believe what I just wrote. This is the best, most special.... & almost unreal day of my life! I am in shock.... praise.... awe....& total bliss. I am completely overwhelmed at a God who has not only answered my greatest longing.... but knew just when to bless us."

Here we are just after we took the test:

This strengthened Nick & I. I'm glad we didn't have to wait any longer than we did, but I think I would have waited forever for our Aubrey.... our Bree. She more than we ever prayed for...... she is God's greatest blessing in our lives!

A favorite poem....

This has always been one of my favorite poems! The older I get the more meaning it has to me. When I doubt myself ... Or when people make me sad, frustratred, or plain bug the tar out of me........ I can sometimes hear the words of this poem in my head. Lately, I've been needing or wanting to read this more often than ever before.

Hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

==========================================

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantmentit is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Be still & know....

This isn't really a video.... just a song. The words are just beautiful.

If you are longing for something, searching, needing answers, restless, tired, or just needing some encouragement..... I suggest listening to this song.

I would listen to this song when I was just longing to get pregnant, and I would pray & cry.

Now.... I listen to this song & this is all I see...............

Remember

"...... Be still and know that He is God

........ Be still and know that He is Faithful......"

And I am Speechless.....