That's when it all began, 10 years & 3 &1/2 months ago. Here, on my 4th wedding anniversary............ I sit back & look at it all.
I prayed & prayed all through high school that God would lead me to the man I should/would spend my life with. I prayed that He would bring us together while we were still so young & "unpolluted" by the world. I had vowed to God to stay pure until marriage. I wore an abstance ring from the time I was 14 years old. It was actually what I asked for on my 14th birthday.....an abstance ring.
I met Nick in March of 1999, toward the end of my senior year in high school. I liked him immediately. We officially began our relationship March 26, 1999. I was scared, and I didn't let him too close for awhile. I was scared of falling in love with him & getting hurt. I kept him at a distance for sometime, because I was so frightened to trust him. Most of the men in my life, had let me down & hurt me very badly.......... I didn't want it to happen again.
A month after we started dating, Nick told me he loved me. I waited. I only wanted to say it, when I knew 100% that I too loved him. Two months later, I realized I did love him. I was in-love with him.
I was frightened about what that meant & what would happen with us leaving for separate colleges soon. Nick debated for a while, and finally came to me and said...." I want to be with you.... I want to spend my life with you.... We will make it work." I felt relief in some ways, yet heartbroken in others. I felt that God had finally lead me to the man who would eventually become my husband, and I didn't want to leave his side...... ever.
College came and we struggled with the distance. I worried about Nick's faithfulness due to the distance & because of his drinking Thursday-Saturday every week. I drove him crazy with questions, but ultimately I trusted him. I also gave him my most treasured gift - my virginity. I felt hew was going to be my husband, and my commitment to him was written in stone in my heart.
After lots of fighting and trouble between us at the end of our Freshman year in college, Nick broke up with me through an email and immediately began dating someone else. A girl I had met. A "friend" of his that lived in his dorm. During his relationship with her, he refused to talk to me, and only called me up when he was drunk. I was heartbroken. I guess their relationship wasn't very deep, because 2 days after returning home for the summer, Nick started calling me. I fell back in ......quickly. Nick swore that he never slept with this other girl, and that I was the only girl for him. I believed it all.
I transferred to Texas Tech to be with the man I loved. I left the college I loved in Austin with a scholarship, wonderful friends, and I hurt my family. I was convinced that Nick was suppose to be my husband; so I made the sacrifices & moved to be with him.
College life together.... finally was up & down. It was college. We roughed it, struggled some, fought some, but I thought our love was truly stronger & above it all. I truly had that much faith in our relationship & in Nick. He had a bunch of classes with primarily girls. He was active in an academic organization which he eventually was president of, that was mostly woman. He had several close girl friends that he hung out with & studied with often. I worried. I questioned. Nick got mad..... often, and I said I was sorry for my worries. Despite it all, I loved this man with all my heart. We wore promise rings all through college, as an outward display of the commitment we had already made to each other.......... that we would be married.
I waited and waited for Nick to "officially" propose to me. For in all honesty, my hearts dream & one desire has always been to be happily married and to have a family. Nothing fancy. No mansions & boats, tiaras or vacation homes............ I just wanted a happy & loving family. I believed if I had the right man who loved me with all his heart and was true to me - we could face all that life could bring us.
Nick finally proposed to me, 3 months after I graduated from college, on September 3, 2004. I was filled with so much joy that it was finally official!!
Nick graduated 3 months after our engagement, and we bought our first home together in Little Elm with the help of my Real Estate license & knowledge of the area.
We were married July 10, 2005 on a Sunday afternoon at 4pm. We were married, we were married, we were finally married. I was so thankful for it all. And I was so happy that Nick and I had been together so long, I thought the longevity of our serious relationship & commitment..... brought so much strength to our marriage. I desperately wanted a baby..... but that would come later.
Nick excelled at work, and although I missed him terribly, I was so proud he was doing so well. During the first 2 years of our marriage, Nick work in New York City with a huge client of his, Goldman Sacks. He was gone 6-12 week stretches at a time. I missed him so, but was so proud of him.
During his first big working trip out to NYC, I got news back from my OBGYN from my routine check up. It wasn't good. They let me know that I had a serious STD that could possibly cause cancer, and that I needed to get in very soon for a biopsy. I was devastated and terrified. I called Nick and asked him if he had ever cheated on me............. and where the hell this could have come from. He acted dumbfounded, and he convinced me it must have come from the girl he DID sleep with while we were broken up that short period our freshman year in college. Heartbroken & numb - I bought it. My mom went with me to the biopsy,and alone I waited for the call on whether or not I had cancer......10 days. Something I have now gone through, by myself, five additional times now.
I did not, nor do I now (that I know of) have cancer. I am, however, considered extremely high risk pre-cancerous. The virus Nick gave me, has already begun changing my body, and the risk of me developing cancer in the next 5-10 years is very high.
After every exhausting examination & waiting period for that dreaded phone call, I would ask Nick if he was sure he had told me everything. He always said yes, and multiple times made me feel so badly for questioning him - I apologised to him for questioning his fidelity.
Beginning in 2007, Nick finally agreed to try and start a family. This was only after he realized the cancer risk to my body, and that if anything advanced or changed in my body........... I might not be able to have or carry a baby. After 10 months of trying, it happened. I got pregnant! I was the happiest I have ever been in my entire life throughout my whole pregnancy. God had blessed us with a baby. All of my wants & dreams had seemed to have come true. So, I thought.
Bliss found me, and her name is Aubrey Katelynn Sapp. She was born 3 days after my 28th birthday, and is without a doubt the absolute love of my life! Her 1st year of life went so quickly, and Nick & I had our ups & downs........... but were honestly beginning to talk about having another baby.
We had our first date night since Bree's arrival. It was on Father's day this year, June 21st, 2009. I had my mom watch our now 1 year old, and Nick & I went out. We saw a movie and went to Dave n' busters. We had an absolutely awesome time together. I truly felt more in love with him and more love from him than I had felt in quite some time.
Then he dropped a bomb on me that shattered our world. During one of my occasional questions to him ...... of "are you sure there isn't anything you've never told me?"..... he hesitated. My heart dropped and I knew something was there. He first told me that yes, he had kissed someone else, a girl (well 1 of 3) that I had always mistrusted. He swore at first that they only kissed and that it only happened once. Then 5 min. later, he started crying & told me that yes he had actually slept with her too, in our bed during college. He told me graphic & specific details of what happened. He cried & said how sorry he was. Two days later he sat in my counselors office & cried & told her the same story. He swore that I knew it all now, and that he would do any and everything to repair our life together.
I was crushed & heartbroken, and in the back of my heart and in the pit of my stomach..... I feared there was more. I was right, 3 days later he sat with me again, crying, and told me that the first story was a total lie. He had slept with that girl, but it didn't happen in anyway in that he told me. It didn't even happen in Lubbock but in Dallas. He swore it only happened once & that they had only kissed on other occasions.
I felt there was still more. There was. I pushed & pushed, and he finally admitted that there was another girl that he had slept with multiple times. (another girl of the 3 that I had always worried about)
He promises that I do indeed know it all now. Hard to believe anything at all now. He also left for several days to be with his parents, who live out of state..... right after he dropped this hand grenade in my face & in my heart.
Since his return, he has yet to shed even 1 tear in my presence. He has also adopted a new attitude & motto that "he is only human." Meaning to me that being human means it is okay to be unfaithful to your wife or future wife. It is okay to give her a life threatening STD and lie about it for years. It is okay to have your scared wife wait alone during biopsies and phone calls about results. It is okay..... because we all make "mistakes." Hard to believe......when such "mistakes" were repeated & repeated & repeated. If that makes you human........... than I must be an alien, for I know not how to induce such pain on those I love.
I loved this man, yes. I loved him with an innocent heart and a pure body. I trusted this man despite doubts in my head about these other woman. I loved, trusted, was proud of and for this man I married, I held his hand and walked beside him, God blessed us with and angel above all angels of a daughter, and all I have ever asked for in return was time with him, honesty, and fidelity.
My heart is broken beyond repair, and now my body bares the disease of his sins. This is not "fixable", especially not with his new "get over it" attitude.
Our marriage is coming to an end. I am sick & sad, but I will survive. Although, I am surprise that his own family, who vowed to stand by myself & my daughter..... as well as their son, upon learning of all of these things........have yet to contact me or reach out to me even once, since Nick has returned from his trip with them. I quickly see were loyalties stand.
You may all be wondering why I have chosen to write so openly about such personal & hurtful things. Well, I have chosen to share all of this for 3 reasons:
1. This blog is about & for my daughter. One day, I want her to know that she was conceived in love and that mommy did love daddy with all of her heart.
2. My personal texts and or emails I have sent Nick after his "coming clean" with me, have been forwarded to others & and or shared with whom ever he has chosen. Therefore, I felt that if this letter & my writings were going to be shared......... I should be the one sharing them.
3. I have nothing to hide. I feel that those of you who read my little blog, care for & about both me & my daughter. Therefore, I beg you all for your thoughts, prayers, and energy at this time. This is the most devastating time of my life, and I do need support. I ask that you pray for my daughter & myself....... that tomorrow might be a brighter day.
Thanks & love,
Allison
Her very own container to eat & squish...... :)
