(Side note............ much of what I write on my blog is not only just about my daughter..... but for my daughter. I hope one day she is able to read these entries like a journal. So, if some of these stories bore you or are not of interest to you...... I won't be offended!)
October 27th, 2007 is a day I will never forget! It was the day I found out I was pregnant with our little Aubrey!! I can't believe it has already been one year, but what a year it has been.
Nick & I had been trying to have a baby for 10 months, and although that doesn't sound like forever..... it sure felt like it. I have always, always wanted to be a Mommy. I think I even started getting baby fever in my early 20's. Of course, we weren't ready for a baby then...... I just longed for the day we would be ready.
So, when that time finally came where we were both ready emotionally & financially..... I thought it would just happen right away. Several of my friends got pregnant the first month or two of trying..... and some weren't even trying. I was disappointed the first 2-3 months when it didn't happen, by the 5th or 6th month started getting depressed, and by the 7th & 8th month.... I started thinking that maybe something was wrong. It seemed everywhere I turned someone else was pregnant, and I started wondering if we would ever know that joy. I know many people try for years & years.... and honestly I don't know how they do it. My whole heart goes out to them...... because all I can say is.... it just hurts! You feel defective & abnormal. You want to be happy for everyone around you who is pregnant or has a child...... but it is sort of gut wrenching. And those who are fortunate enough to not experience this..... can never quite understand the tears that flow when you are alone. Or when you get the newest call from a friend saying "I'm pregnant..... or Guess what.... so & so is pregnant now." You smile & say yay for you or them! But smiling when all you want to cry gets harder as the months go by. I hope most of you out there never experience this or understand what I'm talking about! I know some of you are thinking, Allison it was just 10 months..... what are you talking about? It didn't feel like that! It felt like my whole life + 10 months that I was hoping for a child.... our child.
Anyway, we saw a doctor in October 2007, & were going to begin fertility testing in early November. Then on Saturday, October 27th...... all of that changed! I got up early that morning & took a test. I had taken about 183 pregnancy tests at this point (okay maybe not quite that many... but you get the point), and immediately just one line came up. At this point in the game, I had given up on staring at the test for 5-10 minutes at a time ... thinking it would change..... which I did for the first several months. So, I gave the test about a min. & threw it away. Another negative test..... oh well..... ! I crawled back in bed & asked Nick if he ever thought this would happen for us. He, of course, said yes, & that next month would be the month (which my sweet husband always told me). Nick went & got us some yummy & oh so bad for you breakfast at McDonald's. We had a lazy morning, and Nick left around noonish to go get his haircut. I went to the restroom right after he left, and just happened to glance down at the test I took early that morning. But wait.......... what the hell? Something was wrong with it. There was another .... very faint line. Ummm.... what??? No, no, no..... I'm hallucinating, I thought. Don't get your hopes up, don't get your hopes up, I told myself over & over. I text Nick to call me as soon as he was finished.
Nick called about 30 min. later, and I told him was was going on. I told him it was probably nothing, but to please stop & get a couple more tests on his way home. He brought home several digital tests that actually say "pregnant" or "not pregnant". Nick waited in the bathroom with me. The digital hour glass came up telling us to keep waiting. I flipped the test face down on the counter and waited as long as I possibly could before flipping it over (about 5 seconds). As soon as I flipped it over....... it said "PREGNANT"!!! Nick just stared at me.... and I just stared at the test. "What? ........ What?......... Well, what does it say?" Nick was asking. I couldn't speak. I just turned the test towards him. He smiled & hugged me..... and threw in a "I told you it would happen"!!
This is an excerpt from my journal this day, last year.
" Today our prayers, my longing, my ache, my dream came true!! I'm pregnant!!! What? I can hardly believe what I just wrote. This is the best, most special.... & almost unreal day of my life! I am in shock.... praise.... awe....& total bliss. I am completely overwhelmed at a God who has not only answered my greatest longing.... but knew just when to bless us."
October 27th, 2007 is a day I will never forget! It was the day I found out I was pregnant with our little Aubrey!! I can't believe it has already been one year, but what a year it has been.
Nick & I had been trying to have a baby for 10 months, and although that doesn't sound like forever..... it sure felt like it. I have always, always wanted to be a Mommy. I think I even started getting baby fever in my early 20's. Of course, we weren't ready for a baby then...... I just longed for the day we would be ready.
So, when that time finally came where we were both ready emotionally & financially..... I thought it would just happen right away. Several of my friends got pregnant the first month or two of trying..... and some weren't even trying. I was disappointed the first 2-3 months when it didn't happen, by the 5th or 6th month started getting depressed, and by the 7th & 8th month.... I started thinking that maybe something was wrong. It seemed everywhere I turned someone else was pregnant, and I started wondering if we would ever know that joy. I know many people try for years & years.... and honestly I don't know how they do it. My whole heart goes out to them...... because all I can say is.... it just hurts! You feel defective & abnormal. You want to be happy for everyone around you who is pregnant or has a child...... but it is sort of gut wrenching. And those who are fortunate enough to not experience this..... can never quite understand the tears that flow when you are alone. Or when you get the newest call from a friend saying "I'm pregnant..... or Guess what.... so & so is pregnant now." You smile & say yay for you or them! But smiling when all you want to cry gets harder as the months go by. I hope most of you out there never experience this or understand what I'm talking about! I know some of you are thinking, Allison it was just 10 months..... what are you talking about? It didn't feel like that! It felt like my whole life + 10 months that I was hoping for a child.... our child.
Anyway, we saw a doctor in October 2007, & were going to begin fertility testing in early November. Then on Saturday, October 27th...... all of that changed! I got up early that morning & took a test. I had taken about 183 pregnancy tests at this point (okay maybe not quite that many... but you get the point), and immediately just one line came up. At this point in the game, I had given up on staring at the test for 5-10 minutes at a time ... thinking it would change..... which I did for the first several months. So, I gave the test about a min. & threw it away. Another negative test..... oh well..... ! I crawled back in bed & asked Nick if he ever thought this would happen for us. He, of course, said yes, & that next month would be the month (which my sweet husband always told me). Nick went & got us some yummy & oh so bad for you breakfast at McDonald's. We had a lazy morning, and Nick left around noonish to go get his haircut. I went to the restroom right after he left, and just happened to glance down at the test I took early that morning. But wait.......... what the hell? Something was wrong with it. There was another .... very faint line. Ummm.... what??? No, no, no..... I'm hallucinating, I thought. Don't get your hopes up, don't get your hopes up, I told myself over & over. I text Nick to call me as soon as he was finished.
Nick called about 30 min. later, and I told him was was going on. I told him it was probably nothing, but to please stop & get a couple more tests on his way home. He brought home several digital tests that actually say "pregnant" or "not pregnant". Nick waited in the bathroom with me. The digital hour glass came up telling us to keep waiting. I flipped the test face down on the counter and waited as long as I possibly could before flipping it over (about 5 seconds). As soon as I flipped it over....... it said "PREGNANT"!!! Nick just stared at me.... and I just stared at the test. "What? ........ What?......... Well, what does it say?" Nick was asking. I couldn't speak. I just turned the test towards him. He smiled & hugged me..... and threw in a "I told you it would happen"!!
This is an excerpt from my journal this day, last year.
" Today our prayers, my longing, my ache, my dream came true!! I'm pregnant!!! What? I can hardly believe what I just wrote. This is the best, most special.... & almost unreal day of my life! I am in shock.... praise.... awe....& total bliss. I am completely overwhelmed at a God who has not only answered my greatest longing.... but knew just when to bless us."
Here we are just after we took the test:
This strengthened Nick & I. I'm glad we didn't have to wait any longer than we did, but I think I would have waited forever for our Aubrey.... our Bree. She more than we ever prayed for...... she is God's greatest blessing in our lives!
1 comment:
I have tears and snot running down my face. This is such a beauitful post and I know Aubrey will be so happy to read it over and over again when she's older. God has blessed us in an amazing way and we must thank Him and praise Him always.
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