How Do You Live Your Dash?

This poem was given to me a couple months ago. As I was sifting through mounds of paper work that at times seem to be talking over my life, I pulled this out & read it once more. I needed it today ...which, of course is why it was given to me months ago..... So, that I may find it like a needle in a haystack amongst my paperwork, on the precise day it was intended for me to digest.

Taking Time to Swing
 -December 2009

Once more, I am humbled by a God of miraculous design. Her Maternal unconditional love that provides provisions for me daily. It makes me wonder why it is I struggle every day to just turn it over?  Turn over my fear, my worry, my heart ache, my longing, ...my all, for all I need to do is but to ask for help & so shall it be... because that has been promised to me. One day soon (I pray), I will do this, daily. I will turn it over with out being broken first, without buts & half hearted trusting, and someday it will feel natural to do this... rather than feeling like I'm hand writing a final exam essay in pencil with my left hand. Ha! I guess that analogy is funny in it's self, being that we each write our own lives.... and writing with your less dominate hand, looks like a child's hand writing.  If we could all learn to write our lives with the heart of a child, hand in hand with the God of our own understanding (however you choose to label or perceive Her/Him/Higher Power).... how different would our lives be, how different our experience & perception, & how different our reality might be?

What do I want other's to say of my dash? 

 ..... I would pray that people would know me, think of me, & remember me as a Woman of courage & love. A Woman, a Lady.... who lived her life fully ALIVE and with full intention & passion, free & fully present, with an open & willing heart .... even, or.... ahem.... shall I say, especially in times of trial or uncertainty.  I would hope that I lived a life, daily, that taught my daughter by example who she would like to be like, more than not. I long for Aubrey/Bree... or my Breezy to know & remember her Mommy to be silly, loving, giving, bright, undefeated by life's fallout's, yet foul-able... therefore, teachable. A person willing to admit mistakes & weaknesses, and stronger yet... because she could not only give, but also ask for help. A Woman who braved to tread the path less traveled, so that there might be a way, a better life for her & her Breezy. And finally, I wish that the little foot print I may leave behind on this earth or in the hearts of those who knew me... when my life has reached it's end & I must pass on..... is a messy one of unique hope, laughter, and one of example, of how to dance... a heart able... willing... and wanting to dance in sun & in the rain .... or with a broken arm... or a broken heart... with joy & with pain.

So, here is the poem that sparked this writing today.....

How Do You Live Your Dash?

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning.... to the end.

He noted that first came her date of birth

and spoke of the following date with tears,

But he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years. (1944-1998)

For the dash represented all the time
that she spent alive on earth....
And now only those who loved her
know what that little dash is worth.

For it matters not, how much we owe;
the cars.... the house... the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our little dash.

So, think about this long and hard...
are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what's true and real,
And always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
and show appreciation more.
And love the people in our lives
like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
and more often wear a smile...
Remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read
with your life's actions to be rehashed...
Would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent your dash?

Published!!

Whoop, Whoop, Whooooo!!

Yes, indeedy! The winds of change have been blowing for so so long, and now some good stuff is finally blowin' our way!

I submitted a few of my photographs for a local magazine Cover contest, and although we didn't make the cover, we did get published as an Honorable Mention! It is in the August 2010 issue of Frisco Style Magazine, and Miss Aubrey's photo is on the 4th page. I am so excited! I feel like my passion for photography & my deep longing to make a business out of my passion is beginning to take root. More importantly, the photo that was selected for publication was of Aubrey! It's just like a double shot of "hell yeah!"

http://digital.turn-page.com/title/4248 or http://www.friscostyle.com/

Again, I bow my head in gratitude for the windows & doors that were & are being opened for me .... remembering that even "in the Winter, far beneath the bitter snow... lays a seed that with the sun's love, in the Spring becomes the Rose."

This time a year ago, I would never ever dreamed what a long & hard road still lay ahead of me. I also, never could have imagined how difficult, but how glorious it could be to actually begin to heal, start again from ground zero, and best of all.... to finally begin to discover myself.

The road is still rough, the path is still unknown, there are mountains still waiting to be climbed, but for now, for this moment..... it is okay, I am okay, ... we are not only okay.... we are just were we need to be, right now. ;-)

A million moons ago..... & Chapter 1

...That is what it feels like. It feels like a million moons have past, and I am in a new life, a different life,... a life I never dreamed would be mine.

When a person's life ends as they know it, and yet their heart continues to beat.... it seems as though there isn't one piece of the "old life", the old mind, .... the innocent heart, that is not broken to a point that life itself seems almost unrecognizable.

The end of my old life began with the death of my marriage. It has been 13+ months since our marriage was taken off life support. Like any life being kept alive on false mechanisms, a grasping for breath automatically begins .... and as the heart finally gives way & beats that final time, physically it appears that the rest of the body is awaiting the memo... that it is all over. Not one more breath will ever be taken again, no oxygen will be found to feed the cells of the body, & the blood will never circulate... will never pump through that body ever again. Then slowly, each body part begins to understand, stop its instinctual fight to survive, and quickly die from deprivation. It is like gazing at a fully lit house, every room bright with light & movement. Then one by one, each room goes black, until the darkness is so thick, one loses their perception on where they are, what is happening, and what is real. Upon looking at a life that has just passed away, I have many times just sat there & cried while thinking & trying to understand that this life is gone forever. That there will be no more movements, no more tears to be shed or wiped away, no more kisses given & received, no more winks, no more laughs, no more smiles, no more hands interlaced, no more hugs, no more back scratches, no more memories to be made, no more .... no more.... no more. It is over, and that body & that life is over.

For me, I think my grief for this death deepened once I understood that not only had something so precious to me died, but along with it.... the dream I had for my life had died as well. The dream my heart had for the life I longed & prayed for since I was a little girl. The dream of a husband & wife, children, a home, memories on every wall, stories for every stage & time of life, a partnership, a love that could not be broken, faithful hearts & bodies, children that learned what they should seek in a relationship just by watching Mommy & Daddy, a God centered family with dreams & love & happiness to spare. The dream, ha.... 'twas a beautiful dream, and the death of it feels almost worse than any death I have ever grieved.

Along the way, while the death of my old life continued to catch up with the rest of me.... there have been so many losses. Friends have come & gone, family members have passed on, others moved away, friends have lost pregnancies, lost a child, & lost parents, family pets have passed on as well......... and once in a while I find my chest heaving, my bones aching, & my heart breaking with pain again & again.... that which is mine, theirs, ....ours. Was it really so long ago, that other time... that other life.... that other day, when loss like this was unthinkable & incomprehensible?

As is with every blistery cold & dark night, there are moments where you think you just can not stand the cold/the dark for even one more instant. You know you could not possibly handle it anymore if even one thing, anything got any worse. It is those moments over this past 13+ months that I have been shown that I can. Just when I felt my legs would give by the weight I was carrying, another stone was place on top, or another side rail my hands where grasping on to was removed. I have stop saying, "it couldn't possibly get any harder or any worse," because I have now learned that, yes, it always can. I have also learned that nothing is too heavy for God, and asking for help from my higher power, my friends, my support systems is not only okay.... but required in this life. It is something I am still struggling with, the asking for help part. I must make an effort to remind myself daily that God (our Higher Power, The Goddess... haha) whatever you perceive that to be, wants unity & fellowship. We were not meant to live our lives in solitary, nor where we meant to walk broken paths & stormy mountains all by ourselves.

In the bible, it says where Two or more are gathered together.... God is there. I am learning what that really means, slowly. I have to remove myself from the "religious" teachings of my youth, and realize that what that really means is that with each heart that shines like a light in a darkened house..... the more people that stand in unity together & shine like mirrors to one another when one has begun to dim.... the brighter the light, & the stronger each heart may become that is gathered as one. God is in each of us, for we are his creations, and sometimes only when there another person in front of you... can you catch a glimpse of the life & beauty that is also in you.

I have been blessed. I have been sparred. I have been loved. I have been guided. I have been provided a new life, not by my design... but by God's Grace. I have kept moving, kept walking, kept crawling, kept searching for a lit window. I am finding those lights more & more, and although this home, my "new" life feels far from bright & lit up in every room........ a have found some candles & with them some mirrors. The reflections from these mirrors of the dancing candle light in this new empty home remind me that life & dreams for that matter, are never to be taken for granted, they are never under my control, and sometimes .... just sometimes our eyes must get use to the dark so that God may show us how glorious & precious light/ sunlight is to behold.

............And so it is. Here I begin, a new life, a new look, a little scarred & weary, but with a beating heart & lungs full of air.

Chapter 1:

Aubrey is 20 months old!!!

My, my...... it's been quite a while. There is so much to say, so many stories & pictures, and countless updates...... And I'm soooo behind!! So, I will just start with today.

HAPPY 20 MONTH BIRTHDAY, BREEZY!!!!!

-You are running around & getting more and more brave everyday.

- You are funny & silly. You love to laugh!

- You are still my happy little angel, even though you have slipped into the "terrible two's".

- Your speech is slowly coming, and your little pacifiers are mostly only allowed at night now. Even when you manage to sneak on by me, I've stayed strong & reminded you that you are more than welcome to lay in bed all day with your pacifiers...... but if you want to get out of bed.... they have to stay there. (Mostly, you are okay with this now.)

- You LOVE music. Mommy is now watching my first season of American Idol...... and you my little shadow, love watching it too. We curl up in bed (sometimes Mommy even does breakfast or dinner in bed while we watch our taped show), and you always clap for everyone who sings! You are such a little encourager..... even to those who don't sing so well, you are right there cheering them on!

- You have 4 favorite books that we read constantly.

- You know 5 or 6 colors now, and will always show them to me when I ask ....."where are the pink flowers?" Even though you aren't saying them yet, you sure do know what I'm asking.

- You love, love, love your Bailey dog. Every time we get in bed, you check on him, pat him, and hug him..... both at night & first thing in the morning. It always melts my heart.

- You almost have 16 teeth now! (your working on those stinking eye teeth right now)

- You love baths & even showers sometimes with mommy.

- You love to feed the birds, AIRPLANES, going in the car, avocados, chex mix (but only the chex part), animals, shoes, "organizing" & then re-organizing things, riding in your wagon (I'm sooo ready for warmer days -so we can do this more), the movies Bolt & Monsters Inc, your stuffed animals, gummy snacks, Gatorade, you silly little "baby" sippy cup still, smoothies, playing with your friends, going to the park, people watching, propping up in bed next to me, fluffy pillows, bare feet, pretending, taking pictures, snuggling, telling the dogs what to do, ............ SO MUCH more.... but your waking up from your nap now.... so Mommy will add more later!

Bree, my heart grows everyday..... and just when I think I couldn't possibly love you anymore..... my heart grows again. I love you more than Mommy could ever fully explain. You are my sunshine, my reminder of God & a greater love, and you have forever changed the world......... just by being you!

PS

These pictures were take on one of our very rare warms days lately. This winter has been so cold & has set records for the amount of snowfall. On this day, we asked our precious Bailey dog to go with us. Bree, you were very protective of him (especially now that he is nearly blind) and always told him to sit back down if he stood up & helped him do so. He is your little buddy, your first doggie you will ever have, and I love the way you too love each other! :)

Merry Christmas

Poor neglected blog! I have several 1/2 way completed blog posts that I have yet to "publish", but I am hoping to complete them soon!

However, today.... I'm just going to say, Merry Christmas. There is much in this life to be thankful; for everyday we wake is a gift. I find the blessings all around me today, and I say thank you, Lord, thank you. Thank you for the most beautiful enchanting angelic little girl, whom I call my Daughter.

Aubrey, Merry Christmas, my little angel. You are the most glorious gift of mommy's life! I love you!!

Back post finally up........

Our trip to the Arboretum, is finally up! Look back...... to the end of September to see some beautiful pictures of our adventure there. :)

Two Years Ago........

Two years ago today, was one of the best days of my whole life!! The memories of that day, the emotions, and total praise will linger in my heart always! This is the date in 2007 that I found out that I was pregnant......... that I would finally be a Mommy!!! Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with the most angelic, intuitive, beautiful, graceful daughter in the world. Becoming a Mom has forever changed my comprehension and meaning of Love!

My oh my......16 Months Old!!

Happy 16 month Birthday!!!!!

Angel, you are growing so quickly. I looked at you yesterday, and for the first time……. I really saw that you are a toddler now. Every post, I gasp at how quickly you are growing, and beg for you and time to stand still. I grasp so tightly to every moment that is passing that I often lose track of the present. So for this post….. (and I make no promises for the future) I will reveal in the present, and the gift that every moment is with you, my angel. Today I will lift my arms, bow my head, and praise God for this moment, this day, this adventure. I will not cling to the past, and I will not worry, wonder, and try and figure out the future. I will simple say, ‘Thank you, Lord, thank you’.

Aubrey, the gift of you, your life, your presence…………. Is more than enough for me. You have blessed me more than I could have ever imagined, and more than I ever deserved. You are God’s example to me of pure, all encompassing, never ending….. Unfailing LOVE. You are my greatest teacher, my greatest love, and my greatest blessing. And I say Thank you……..

Here is what is happing these days:

- Breezy loves Airplanes! She always hears them and points up, whether or not we are outside or in the house.

- She still isn’t saying very many words, but she does have specific sounds for certain things….. like the dogs, when she is telling the dogs to go away, when she hears Nani get home, for music she likes, when she is happy.

- Oh, and she will definitely let you know if anything has been left open or out of its place. She particularly dislikes the kitchen cabinets, refrigerator door, and microwave door being left open! Totally bugs her!!

- She also doesn’t like it when the dogs itch or lick their paws. I’m not sure if she learned it from me, by me telling them to stop doing that, or if is just bugs her. Oh, and when we are feeding all 5 dogs…. Yes 5, they all have to be fed separately with different food & in different areas. When Tate (our piglet of the bunch) wolfs down his food and goes looking for more from the other dogs, Bree puts her hand out in the stop positions, says “eeewwww…..oooohhhh”, and follows him around the house until all the dogs are finished eating!! It’s really hilarious!

- Breezy LOVES and I mean L-O-V-E-S being outside!! These Seattle type conditions Dallas has turned into lately definitely don’t sit well will Miss Bree. She gets so frustrated, bored, and cranky. She will go to the window or front door and just point outside or to the car……………like “get me out of here Momma”!!

- She has been really fussy for about a month or so now. I don’t know if it’s those stinkin’ teeth or what. I know all those horrible molars are on their way, but seriously………. Why do they have to be so painful and drawn out!! AHHHHH!

- She went to the Zoo for the first time this past month (I’ll be back –posting that entry with pictures….. so look soon), the Arboretum (also a soon to be back-posted entry), and then to the pumpkin patch for our 2nd year in a row (another back post). It’s crazy how just 1 year can totally change our experience at the Pumpkin patch!

- Aubrey and I still meet with our Fab Four frisco play group at least once a week. They are the best, and are pretty much the only ones I have let close to me for the last several months. Introvert + Devastation + Extreme Loss & Betrayal = Total Hermit Crab!! God definitely made some provisions for Bree and I, by bring this play group into our lives! I love you ladies, and your wonderful babies!! I love that Bree already has her first BFF’s!! They have now known each other and seen each other weekly for half of their little lives……… and they were all born within 2 weeks of one another. So very very cool!!

- Her hair seems to be getting longer and longer (mainly in the back). I can’t decide if it will stay curly or if the longer and heavier it gets, it will turn wavy or straight?

- Bree also loves shoes! And she has a pretty big foot……………. She is a size 6! HA! Maybe she will be tall?

- This month her Nani just couldn’t resist, and bought little Bree a bunch of little girl furnature! Everything is absolutely so adorable, but we are a bit limited with space lately. Hopefully we will get our own little place soon; so Breezy can have her own little room/playroom.

- I’ve also been painting her little finger nails and toenails (when she is sleeping & still), and she just looks absolutely adorable running around with little red fingernails and toenails. Such a girly girl at times!

- Bree is still a little bit of a picky eater, and still not the best sleeper…… but we’re dealin’. :)

- She also enjoys coloring now! I’ll post her latest Picasso type creations soon.

- Next up: Pumpkin carving and Trick or Treating…………… Stay tuned!!! :)

The Arboretum!!

My mom, brother, Bree, and I all packed up and headed to the Arboretum! I haven't been there since I was about 17 and very into my photography days. It is still just simply beautiful out there!

We packed a picnic lunch, and just enjoyed walking around looking at all the stunning flowers and countless pumpkins and gourds. It ended up being much warmer than we thought it was going to be, so we took off a bit early. It was a beautiful fun day!!

She was throwing pumpkins....... :)

Angel

Looking for a pumpkin or gourd anyone?!?!?

So pretty. It reminded me of the trees in Central Park!

Look out for the bumble bee's....

Airplane!!!

Lunch time!

15 Months Old!!!!

WOW!!! I can't believe our beautiful little Bree is already 15 months old!!! These past 5 years have been filled with so much drastic change, but it seems as though these past 3 months have been the some of the hardest and most unexpected of my life. The brightest light through it all is a little girl named Aubrey!! She fills my broken heart with love, lifts my spirits, brightens any room she walks/runs into, and is my everlasting example of God's love.......... even on days when I can't seem to find or feel it any where.

Here are some of the things Miss Breezy is doing these days:

-Waving to everyone, to doggies, to trees, to passing cars.......... It is so adorable!

- Saying "Momma" or some days "MOMMMMMA", "Dadda" or just "Dad", "Nonnna" for my mom, and "Ma" for her uncle Matt W. She also sort of says bye, and "D" for dog.

- She has 8 teeth now! 4 on top & 4 on the bottom!

- She Loves her butterfly/bug back pack & insists on wearing it around most everywhere, she loves airplanes, wind chimes, doggies, all animals really, birds, trees, long walks around the pond & park, getting out & about (walks, car rides, library time, playgroup.... etc.), snacking the day away, Gatorade with water, sippy cups, destroying blocks that mommy builds up for her, re-arranging everything HER way, carrying a purse with her always around the house, she is REALLY starting to love being read to (she will go pick out a book..... she has about 3-4 favorites right now, the she will bring it to you and turn around and plop down in your lap), she loves playing with any telephone (especially mine), pacifiers, banana Cheerios, brushing her teeth while mommy brushes hers, being outside,


- She dislikes diaper changing, open doors (especially microwaves & refrigerators), washing her hair, face, and ears, when mommy leaves the room, she doesn't like it when people wear glasses/sunglasses or hats....... she like to see your face, she doesn't much care for veggies, flies annoy her desperately (she will also wave her hands around when you say to her "shoe fly!"), and teething is the absolute WORST!!

- She also had her 15 month wellness visit with her pediatrician yesterday, and she did SO well! She even got a shot & blood taken........ and she didn't cry for even 1 moment. I was shocked! The doc said she is doing beautifully in development & growth...... and gave her an A++

Here are her stats:
Height: 31inches = 64 percentile
Weight: 23.14 = 68 percentile
Head: 18.5 inches = 81 percentile

Friends are the best!!! (even though I was a bit fussy this day)

Just the Girls!

Waiting for Dadda.......

She looks like such a big girl some days ......

B-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l ANGEL

Trying to smell the flower.

Rockin' out in her new Tinkerbell chair.

Give a dog...... a lift! :)

It sure is the little things that bring so much joy! Bree is such a little sweet heart! I have always known she is smart, but I didn't realize every little detail she really picks up on. Our old precious little dog, Bailey, has trouble seeing, jumping, and just getting around.... some days. So, every time it is nap time or bedtime, I put Bree in bed, then lean down and pick up Bailey and lay him at the foot of our bed. I never knew that Bree understood that he needed help, ......... until she started trying to lift him up & help him in bed the other day!!!!

Bailey pretty much thinks anytime we are in the bedroom, it must be time to get in bed. Well, as Bree and I were playing with some toys in our room the other day, Bailey was trying his hardest to get in bed. Bree simply walked over and began helping him.

I laughed 'til I nearly cried, and my heart just melted to see what a gentle sweet spirit my daughter has!!

"For happiness one needs security, but joy can spring like a flower even from the cliffs of despair."

-Anne Morrow Lindbergh