Christmas trash...

On Christmas Eve this year 2011, we went to my Mom's house, Bree's Noni's house.  We did most of Bree's Christmas, because Nick was picking her up by Noon on Christmas day.
Bree helped Mommy pass out our presents to every one, and was so sweet & giving. She had helped me wrap them, & she just seemed so proud of the gifts she was giving all the people she loves.
We bought a nice watch for my brother. He immediately put it on and laid his old watch on the floor.  A few minutes later while we were still all talking and visiting around the Christmas tree, I heard my brother talking and following Bree into the kitchen.... then a howl of laughter.
Immediately, I knew what she had done! Ha
Bree saw Uncle Matt's "old watch" and picked it up, walked it to the kitchen, and threw it in the trash can!  Hahahaha!!  "Ew, Mommy.... old!  Bree threw it in trash!"
Oh, I love her more every moment!  Just when I thought I could not possibly love her any more.... I do!
She is the funniest person I have ever known! Thank you, Jesus!  You not only gave me the most precious child ever, but you also gave me the funniest one you've ever made!!  :-)  Thank you!

Single Motherhood: Behind the Scenes

There are questions that people ask me about what it's like to be a single mom. Typically, the questions are very indirect. It's rare that someone just comes right out and asks a question regarding how I handle it or what it is really like to be a single parent.

On the flip side (this mostly pertains to those who don't have children at all), there are some people in my life that have absolutely no idea what it takes to be a parent, let alone a single parent. So, it's been on my heart to address it, to give it a voice, a color, a story.  This is what our life, my life as a single Mommy really looks like....

Let's start with some facts.  I have primary custody of my little angel, who is now (nearly) 3 & 1/2 years old.  Our custody agreements are a little different that standard P & A (divorce language for "possession and access") or what is understood as visitation, but generally, I have Bree 90-95% of the time. She is with her Dad 4 nights of the month. That's it.

Thankfully, her Dad and I have come a long way. Not only do we get along for the sake of our daughter (which we have been pretty good about early on in our never ending divorce proceedings), but we have begun to move back into a friendship type relationship. We were best friends for the better part of the 11 years we were together, and I am so grateful that is where we are at this point.  Nevertheless, Nick has a very VERY demanding job that keeps him away more than not, with extremely long hours and traveling.

I have been working with Bree and trying to prepare her for a part-time pre-school program that was to start this January.  I just found out that the spot I was told they had available for Bree in this particular program, was not really there - or had been given to someone else. GRRRRRRR!!!!  So, I don't even know what to do, but I know without a shadow of a doubt - Bree needs to be around other kiddos. She needs the socialization, and she also needs to step into doing things without mommy.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE doing things with my angel!  I also know that it is in her best interest that she is around other kiddos & realizes how brilliant & independent she really is.... and how fun it is to have friends!

I always wanted to be a Mom.  My whole life, I could not wait to have children and be a Mommy!  I always always wanted to be able to stay home with my kiddos until they went to school, even if that meant waiting until I was a little older.  So, I am unbelievably grateful to not only be a Mom, but to be able to stay home with my angel, until she is a little older & off at school most days.  Nevertheless, I don't believe most people, unless they have done it, really and truly know how hard it is & what it takes to be a stay at home mom.  It is not easy, lazy, or eating bon bons .... EVER!

To be a single stay at home mom.... well, this is what it looks like:

*No breaks... ever.... 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

-Bath time, bedtime, nap (which rarely happens these days), snack time, meal time - every meal, projects, playtime, crafts, puzzles, books - story time, play-dates, doctors appointments, every cold or virus, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, house hold budges, paying bills, movies, outings, etc..... Being a single stay at home Mommy means handling/juggling all of this and so much more - on my own.

-It means that having a child that is a terrible sleeper, your bed is not your own, and that sleep is a luxury you very very rarely get!

-It also means that I don't have a break in the evenings, like many woman do when their spouses come home - to have a bath by themselves, or even run to the store kid free for an hour.

-So, 95% of every bath or shower you have, is shared with a pre-schooler who is either actually bathing with you, or dismantling your bathroom while you rush through your shower (barely washing out the conditioner from your hair and never feeling like you shaved your legs without missing a spot or nicking yourself).

-It also means that I don't have a person to snuggle up with on the couch on rainy sunday afternoons, while we laugh and play with our beautiful daughter that we made together & was given to us by God. -It means that attending Church on Sundays feels like shit, now, because suddenly Sunday church feels like a different world, a different life.... for those families with a husband, wife, and kids. So, Saturday nights becomes the only time that rightfully feels like church time.

-It means finding a church home by yourself, and making all of the spiritual choices for your child's foundation - alone.

-It means that I don't have someone to talk with & figure out what pre-schools we should be thinking about or looking at, to discuss life and to encourage each other, or some one to hold me or rub my back on bad days.

-It means surrendering the dreams I had of having 3 or 4 children, and the life I always felt was intended for me.

-It means not just having Faith, but acting in Faith all of the time... which are very different.  It means, sometimes, somedays I may not even be able to see the ground beneath my feet or have any understanding how I will get through today or whatever is directly ahead of me. So, I must chose to  act in Faith & trust that God will allow the ground to meet my feet in every step I make that day. I must have Faith that God will meet me where I am, and the provisions will be made for me, even when I can not see or understand.

-It means, if I ever wish or want to have a partner in my life, I must date again.... which I've never really done, anyway.

-It means, balance.... finding a balance in EVERYTHING, and never really knowing if what you are doing is the right thing. It is giving yourself permission to accept that you are doing the best you can with what you have at the time.

Being a single mom that stays at home and is now back in school, is literally the combination of 3 different worlds that would be plenty enough to handle separately:

1. Being a Mom

2. Being single

3. Being a student

This is just a glance, a brief & not at all thorough glance at what life looks like, being a single stay at home Mommy who is now back in school too.  So, I hope it answers some questions, helps you hold & be thankful for the partner you may have, or allows you some patience with other single Mommies.  It is tough, but I know God will never give me more than I can handle. I also know that the dreams & desires that God had for me and my life, are often bigger than my own.  I may not be able to see fully around the bend, but I do have Faith that there is a purpose for it all.