When a person's life ends as they know it, and yet their heart continues to beat.... it seems as though there isn't one piece of the "old life", the old mind, .... the innocent heart, that is not broken to a point that life itself seems almost unrecognizable.
The end of my old life began with the death of my marriage. It has been 13+ months since our marriage was taken off life support. Like any life being kept alive on false mechanisms, a grasping for breath automatically begins .... and as the heart finally gives way & beats that final time, physically it appears that the rest of the body is awaiting the memo... that it is all over. Not one more breath will ever be taken again, no oxygen will be found to feed the cells of the body, & the blood will never circulate... will never pump through that body ever again. Then slowly, each body part begins to understand, stop its instinctual fight to survive, and quickly die from deprivation. It is like gazing at a fully lit house, every room bright with light & movement. Then one by one, each room goes black, until the darkness is so thick, one loses their perception on where they are, what is happening, and what is real. Upon looking at a life that has just passed away, I have many times just sat there & cried while thinking & trying to understand that this life is gone forever. That there will be no more movements, no more tears to be shed or wiped away, no more kisses given & received, no more winks, no more laughs, no more smiles, no more hands interlaced, no more hugs, no more back scratches, no more memories to be made, no more .... no more.... no more. It is over, and that body & that life is over.
For me, I think my grief for this death deepened once I understood that not only had something so precious to me died, but along with it.... the dream I had for my life had died as well. The dream my heart had for the life I longed & prayed for since I was a little girl. The dream of a husband & wife, children, a home, memories on every wall, stories for every stage & time of life, a partnership, a love that could not be broken, faithful hearts & bodies, children that learned what they should seek in a relationship just by watching Mommy & Daddy, a God centered family with dreams & love & happiness to spare. The dream, ha.... 'twas a beautiful dream, and the death of it feels almost worse than any death I have ever grieved.
Along the way, while the death of my old life continued to catch up with the rest of me.... there have been so many losses. Friends have come & gone, family members have passed on, others moved away, friends have lost pregnancies, lost a child, & lost parents, family pets have passed on as well......... and once in a while I find my chest heaving, my bones aching, & my heart breaking with pain again & again.... that which is mine, theirs, ....ours. Was it really so long ago, that other time... that other life.... that other day, when loss like this was unthinkable & incomprehensible?
As is with every blistery cold & dark night, there are moments where you think you just can not stand the cold/the dark for even one more instant. You know you could not possibly handle it anymore if even one thing, anything got any worse. It is those moments over this past 13+ months that I have been shown that I can. Just when I felt my legs would give by the weight I was carrying, another stone was place on top, or another side rail my hands where grasping on to was removed. I have stop saying, "it couldn't possibly get any harder or any worse," because I have now learned that, yes, it always can. I have also learned that nothing is too heavy for God, and asking for help from my higher power, my friends, my support systems is not only okay.... but required in this life. It is something I am still struggling with, the asking for help part. I must make an effort to remind myself daily that God (our Higher Power, The Goddess... haha) whatever you perceive that to be, wants unity & fellowship. We were not meant to live our lives in solitary, nor where we meant to walk broken paths & stormy mountains all by ourselves.
In the bible, it says where Two or more are gathered together.... God is there. I am learning what that really means, slowly. I have to remove myself from the "religious" teachings of my youth, and realize that what that really means is that with each heart that shines like a light in a darkened house..... the more people that stand in unity together & shine like mirrors to one another when one has begun to dim.... the brighter the light, & the stronger each heart may become that is gathered as one. God is in each of us, for we are his creations, and sometimes only when there another person in front of you... can you catch a glimpse of the life & beauty that is also in you.
I have been blessed. I have been sparred. I have been loved. I have been guided. I have been provided a new life, not by my design... but by God's Grace. I have kept moving, kept walking, kept crawling, kept searching for a lit window. I am finding those lights more & more, and although this home, my "new" life feels far from bright & lit up in every room........ a have found some candles & with them some mirrors. The reflections from these mirrors of the dancing candle light in this new empty home remind me that life & dreams for that matter, are never to be taken for granted, they are never under my control, and sometimes .... just sometimes our eyes must get use to the dark so that God may show us how glorious & precious light/ sunlight is to behold.
Chapter 1:
