Big Girl Bed!!

Well, we are now 2 nights into the big transition of Bree sleeping in her very own room.... for really the first time ever!!
It is going a little better than I first anticipated, but I know it will still take a little while for it to feel "normal" to both of us.
Last night, She actually made it to 4:30am.... then she fell out of bed.  :-(  So, Mommy slept with her for the last couple of hours.

Bree is also going potty more & more on her little potty!! I can't believe how big she is getting, and I have a feeling that 6 months from now will look & feel very different around here! 
Gosh... It does go so fast!

So, very very thankful for all the small & large blessings in our lives, as we continue to find our own path in this new journey.

Poop!

Hahaha! So eloquently titled, I know!  What more can I say?  Bree pooped in the potty for the very first time!! Potty training in full swing, now! Yay!! 

For those that are thinking, okay thanks.... too much information, Allison, ....maybe that is true. However, this blog, although sadly neglected for sometime, is all about documenting OUR lives together. It also helps me record milestone dates, because I am behind on her baby book. This blog often lets me go back & fill in the dates for her little book. And pooping in the potty for the first time, it really is a big deal!  So, who cares about a little poo talk, right? That's what I thought! So, Ice cream & dance party for everyone, it's time to celebrate!!  ;-)

It's funny, I actually bought her big girl panties yesterday at Kohl's, hoping it would encourage her to want to lose the diaper. Ha! Well, I guess she was ready too..... that or she really likes the cool big girl panties & boy shorts I bought. I dunno, but GOOD JOB BABY GIRL!!  I am SO PROUD of YOU!!

3 Years...

Could it be that long ago?? It seems like I waited forever, prayed my whole live, then prayed tearfully for months just before, longing for you .... and then suddenly, it happened. I found out 3 years ago today that you were there, you were finally on your way! I was pregnant, and you were growing inside of me... two hearts in one body.


Oh, words could never describe the unbelievable joy that broke all the walls down in my heart that could ever suggest that love has a limit. Angel, never has there been a daughter that was ever wanted & loved more than you! My love for you, Aubrey, has taught me true & unconditional - limitless love!! Although...I feel I must add, that I believe you have always been there, baby doll.... you were with me before & always. I think that is why my heart ached so during the waiting time between my birth & yours, because I missed you, my love. I know that Mommy had to come first & prepare a path for you, but I will admit that there were days I wasn't very patient in waiting. Hahaha... oh... I wished for you so!

Unfortunately, it didnt turn out the way I had always believed & prayed it would be for you. The life I wished, prayed, and tried with all my might to give you .... was a different image than the life we have today. That doesn't mean that the one I hoped for & lost was better, no... I have faith that the life we are building, the path Mommy is mowing down for you to follow behind.... it WILL BE BEAUTIFUL and PERFECTLY and UNIQUELY OURS. Colorful, healthy, fun, true, real, open, loving, graceful, with endless possibilities & adventures.... this is our life now, baby.

My little angel, when I was pregnant with you & even now, I can almost picture you waiting patiently in the arms of our Father for the day when He would lovingly kiss your face and place you in my arms... waiting patiently for your time to begin your life and new journey. Oh my, how very very lucky am I? Blessed beyond measure...

Thank you, Father.....Thank you, Lord for your faithfulness. Thank you for placing your most amazing miracle in my arms, to call me Mommy. I know the honor You have bestowed upon me with this precious gift, my daughter. I ask that You, please continue to light our path, guide me in all I do, and for love to be the only language we act with, speak with, and dwell in for all our days.

Aubrey, thank You, little Love, for choosing me to be your Mommy! I could never wish for anyone more. I adore you, and I cherish every precious moment we have together. You are the most glorious child, most amazing person I have ever known. I am so proud of you, and for you to call me Mommy! I feel like I wear a first place blue ribbon across my heart everytime I look at you & understand, you... beautiful little you, you are my daughter.

Some say that energy never dies, it only changes form. I believe this is true. Some believe we have been here before, in different decades/centuries,that we have lived before. I also believe this is a very real possibility. I believe that you & I have walk hand in hand before. Maybe always. For how could I have ever once existed without you?? Simple. I didn't... you have always been.... your energy, your little spirit was part of the spark that started it all.

So, today..... you are why. You are why today is remembered with celebration & pure joy... the day we found out you finally on your way!!

3 years.... my God... how much has happened in such little time...

Computer crash.....

Yes, my computer crashed!  I have never had this happen before, where my computer crashed so totally & completely that literally nothing happens when i turn it on. 

SO.... there is so much I have in me to write, to share, to get out..... but it will have to wait for now.  I have an old computer I am trying to get up & running while I figure out if & how to fix my other - better computer.

I also wanted to let any anonymous readers know that I will be making this blog private once more.  I might write a separate one from Aubrey that I leave open, but as it is now, this one will be invitation only very soon.  Most of my readers are aware of this, but if you didn't get the message & would like to continue reading this blog.... email/text/message me your email address.  I will add you to the readers list, and you will simple receive an email inviting you to read this blog by simply entering in a password of your choosing.

I pray each of my lovely friends & readers are doing well.

With love & light,
Allison

allison.r.sapp@sbcglobal.net

Pee & She is getting SO BIG!

Bree did it... SHE DID IT!!!! She used the big potty for the first time!!! She sat on her little toilet seat that fits on top of the real toilet, and she went pee pee!!  WoooHoooo!!

Mommy is so very very proud of you, baby!!

In the middle of our victory ice cream & dance party, after she used the potty..... Nick showed up and took her for his overnight visit with her.  Boo. We didn't even get to eat our ice cream.  Oh, well.... we shall celebrate all week!! 


:-( Missing my baby, already.

How Do You Live Your Dash?

This poem was given to me a couple months ago. As I was sifting through mounds of paper work that at times seem to be talking over my life, I pulled this out & read it once more. I needed it today ...which, of course is why it was given to me months ago..... So, that I may find it like a needle in a haystack amongst my paperwork, on the precise day it was intended for me to digest.

Taking Time to Swing
 -December 2009

Once more, I am humbled by a God of miraculous design. Her Maternal unconditional love that provides provisions for me daily. It makes me wonder why it is I struggle every day to just turn it over?  Turn over my fear, my worry, my heart ache, my longing, ...my all, for all I need to do is but to ask for help & so shall it be... because that has been promised to me. One day soon (I pray), I will do this, daily. I will turn it over with out being broken first, without buts & half hearted trusting, and someday it will feel natural to do this... rather than feeling like I'm hand writing a final exam essay in pencil with my left hand. Ha! I guess that analogy is funny in it's self, being that we each write our own lives.... and writing with your less dominate hand, looks like a child's hand writing.  If we could all learn to write our lives with the heart of a child, hand in hand with the God of our own understanding (however you choose to label or perceive Her/Him/Higher Power).... how different would our lives be, how different our experience & perception, & how different our reality might be?

What do I want other's to say of my dash? 

 ..... I would pray that people would know me, think of me, & remember me as a Woman of courage & love. A Woman, a Lady.... who lived her life fully ALIVE and with full intention & passion, free & fully present, with an open & willing heart .... even, or.... ahem.... shall I say, especially in times of trial or uncertainty.  I would hope that I lived a life, daily, that taught my daughter by example who she would like to be like, more than not. I long for Aubrey/Bree... or my Breezy to know & remember her Mommy to be silly, loving, giving, bright, undefeated by life's fallout's, yet foul-able... therefore, teachable. A person willing to admit mistakes & weaknesses, and stronger yet... because she could not only give, but also ask for help. A Woman who braved to tread the path less traveled, so that there might be a way, a better life for her & her Breezy. And finally, I wish that the little foot print I may leave behind on this earth or in the hearts of those who knew me... when my life has reached it's end & I must pass on..... is a messy one of unique hope, laughter, and one of example, of how to dance... a heart able... willing... and wanting to dance in sun & in the rain .... or with a broken arm... or a broken heart... with joy & with pain.

So, here is the poem that sparked this writing today.....

How Do You Live Your Dash?

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning.... to the end.

He noted that first came her date of birth

and spoke of the following date with tears,

But he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years. (1944-1998)

For the dash represented all the time
that she spent alive on earth....
And now only those who loved her
know what that little dash is worth.

For it matters not, how much we owe;
the cars.... the house... the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our little dash.

So, think about this long and hard...
are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what's true and real,
And always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
and show appreciation more.
And love the people in our lives
like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
and more often wear a smile...
Remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read
with your life's actions to be rehashed...
Would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent your dash?

Published!!

Whoop, Whoop, Whooooo!!

Yes, indeedy! The winds of change have been blowing for so so long, and now some good stuff is finally blowin' our way!

I submitted a few of my photographs for a local magazine Cover contest, and although we didn't make the cover, we did get published as an Honorable Mention! It is in the August 2010 issue of Frisco Style Magazine, and Miss Aubrey's photo is on the 4th page. I am so excited! I feel like my passion for photography & my deep longing to make a business out of my passion is beginning to take root. More importantly, the photo that was selected for publication was of Aubrey! It's just like a double shot of "hell yeah!"

http://digital.turn-page.com/title/4248 or http://www.friscostyle.com/

Again, I bow my head in gratitude for the windows & doors that were & are being opened for me .... remembering that even "in the Winter, far beneath the bitter snow... lays a seed that with the sun's love, in the Spring becomes the Rose."

This time a year ago, I would never ever dreamed what a long & hard road still lay ahead of me. I also, never could have imagined how difficult, but how glorious it could be to actually begin to heal, start again from ground zero, and best of all.... to finally begin to discover myself.

The road is still rough, the path is still unknown, there are mountains still waiting to be climbed, but for now, for this moment..... it is okay, I am okay, ... we are not only okay.... we are just were we need to be, right now. ;-)

A million moons ago..... & Chapter 1

...That is what it feels like. It feels like a million moons have past, and I am in a new life, a different life,... a life I never dreamed would be mine.

When a person's life ends as they know it, and yet their heart continues to beat.... it seems as though there isn't one piece of the "old life", the old mind, .... the innocent heart, that is not broken to a point that life itself seems almost unrecognizable.

The end of my old life began with the death of my marriage. It has been 13+ months since our marriage was taken off life support. Like any life being kept alive on false mechanisms, a grasping for breath automatically begins .... and as the heart finally gives way & beats that final time, physically it appears that the rest of the body is awaiting the memo... that it is all over. Not one more breath will ever be taken again, no oxygen will be found to feed the cells of the body, & the blood will never circulate... will never pump through that body ever again. Then slowly, each body part begins to understand, stop its instinctual fight to survive, and quickly die from deprivation. It is like gazing at a fully lit house, every room bright with light & movement. Then one by one, each room goes black, until the darkness is so thick, one loses their perception on where they are, what is happening, and what is real. Upon looking at a life that has just passed away, I have many times just sat there & cried while thinking & trying to understand that this life is gone forever. That there will be no more movements, no more tears to be shed or wiped away, no more kisses given & received, no more winks, no more laughs, no more smiles, no more hands interlaced, no more hugs, no more back scratches, no more memories to be made, no more .... no more.... no more. It is over, and that body & that life is over.

For me, I think my grief for this death deepened once I understood that not only had something so precious to me died, but along with it.... the dream I had for my life had died as well. The dream my heart had for the life I longed & prayed for since I was a little girl. The dream of a husband & wife, children, a home, memories on every wall, stories for every stage & time of life, a partnership, a love that could not be broken, faithful hearts & bodies, children that learned what they should seek in a relationship just by watching Mommy & Daddy, a God centered family with dreams & love & happiness to spare. The dream, ha.... 'twas a beautiful dream, and the death of it feels almost worse than any death I have ever grieved.

Along the way, while the death of my old life continued to catch up with the rest of me.... there have been so many losses. Friends have come & gone, family members have passed on, others moved away, friends have lost pregnancies, lost a child, & lost parents, family pets have passed on as well......... and once in a while I find my chest heaving, my bones aching, & my heart breaking with pain again & again.... that which is mine, theirs, ....ours. Was it really so long ago, that other time... that other life.... that other day, when loss like this was unthinkable & incomprehensible?

As is with every blistery cold & dark night, there are moments where you think you just can not stand the cold/the dark for even one more instant. You know you could not possibly handle it anymore if even one thing, anything got any worse. It is those moments over this past 13+ months that I have been shown that I can. Just when I felt my legs would give by the weight I was carrying, another stone was place on top, or another side rail my hands where grasping on to was removed. I have stop saying, "it couldn't possibly get any harder or any worse," because I have now learned that, yes, it always can. I have also learned that nothing is too heavy for God, and asking for help from my higher power, my friends, my support systems is not only okay.... but required in this life. It is something I am still struggling with, the asking for help part. I must make an effort to remind myself daily that God (our Higher Power, The Goddess... haha) whatever you perceive that to be, wants unity & fellowship. We were not meant to live our lives in solitary, nor where we meant to walk broken paths & stormy mountains all by ourselves.

In the bible, it says where Two or more are gathered together.... God is there. I am learning what that really means, slowly. I have to remove myself from the "religious" teachings of my youth, and realize that what that really means is that with each heart that shines like a light in a darkened house..... the more people that stand in unity together & shine like mirrors to one another when one has begun to dim.... the brighter the light, & the stronger each heart may become that is gathered as one. God is in each of us, for we are his creations, and sometimes only when there another person in front of you... can you catch a glimpse of the life & beauty that is also in you.

I have been blessed. I have been sparred. I have been loved. I have been guided. I have been provided a new life, not by my design... but by God's Grace. I have kept moving, kept walking, kept crawling, kept searching for a lit window. I am finding those lights more & more, and although this home, my "new" life feels far from bright & lit up in every room........ a have found some candles & with them some mirrors. The reflections from these mirrors of the dancing candle light in this new empty home remind me that life & dreams for that matter, are never to be taken for granted, they are never under my control, and sometimes .... just sometimes our eyes must get use to the dark so that God may show us how glorious & precious light/ sunlight is to behold.

............And so it is. Here I begin, a new life, a new look, a little scarred & weary, but with a beating heart & lungs full of air.

Chapter 1:

Aubrey is 20 months old!!!

My, my...... it's been quite a while. There is so much to say, so many stories & pictures, and countless updates...... And I'm soooo behind!! So, I will just start with today.

HAPPY 20 MONTH BIRTHDAY, BREEZY!!!!!

-You are running around & getting more and more brave everyday.

- You are funny & silly. You love to laugh!

- You are still my happy little angel, even though you have slipped into the "terrible two's".

- Your speech is slowly coming, and your little pacifiers are mostly only allowed at night now. Even when you manage to sneak on by me, I've stayed strong & reminded you that you are more than welcome to lay in bed all day with your pacifiers...... but if you want to get out of bed.... they have to stay there. (Mostly, you are okay with this now.)

- You LOVE music. Mommy is now watching my first season of American Idol...... and you my little shadow, love watching it too. We curl up in bed (sometimes Mommy even does breakfast or dinner in bed while we watch our taped show), and you always clap for everyone who sings! You are such a little encourager..... even to those who don't sing so well, you are right there cheering them on!

- You have 4 favorite books that we read constantly.

- You know 5 or 6 colors now, and will always show them to me when I ask ....."where are the pink flowers?" Even though you aren't saying them yet, you sure do know what I'm asking.

- You love, love, love your Bailey dog. Every time we get in bed, you check on him, pat him, and hug him..... both at night & first thing in the morning. It always melts my heart.

- You almost have 16 teeth now! (your working on those stinking eye teeth right now)

- You love baths & even showers sometimes with mommy.

- You love to feed the birds, AIRPLANES, going in the car, avocados, chex mix (but only the chex part), animals, shoes, "organizing" & then re-organizing things, riding in your wagon (I'm sooo ready for warmer days -so we can do this more), the movies Bolt & Monsters Inc, your stuffed animals, gummy snacks, Gatorade, you silly little "baby" sippy cup still, smoothies, playing with your friends, going to the park, people watching, propping up in bed next to me, fluffy pillows, bare feet, pretending, taking pictures, snuggling, telling the dogs what to do, ............ SO MUCH more.... but your waking up from your nap now.... so Mommy will add more later!

Bree, my heart grows everyday..... and just when I think I couldn't possibly love you anymore..... my heart grows again. I love you more than Mommy could ever fully explain. You are my sunshine, my reminder of God & a greater love, and you have forever changed the world......... just by being you!

PS

These pictures were take on one of our very rare warms days lately. This winter has been so cold & has set records for the amount of snowfall. On this day, we asked our precious Bailey dog to go with us. Bree, you were very protective of him (especially now that he is nearly blind) and always told him to sit back down if he stood up & helped him do so. He is your little buddy, your first doggie you will ever have, and I love the way you too love each other! :)