Christmas trash...

On Christmas Eve this year 2011, we went to my Mom's house, Bree's Noni's house.  We did most of Bree's Christmas, because Nick was picking her up by Noon on Christmas day.
Bree helped Mommy pass out our presents to every one, and was so sweet & giving. She had helped me wrap them, & she just seemed so proud of the gifts she was giving all the people she loves.
We bought a nice watch for my brother. He immediately put it on and laid his old watch on the floor.  A few minutes later while we were still all talking and visiting around the Christmas tree, I heard my brother talking and following Bree into the kitchen.... then a howl of laughter.
Immediately, I knew what she had done! Ha
Bree saw Uncle Matt's "old watch" and picked it up, walked it to the kitchen, and threw it in the trash can!  Hahahaha!!  "Ew, Mommy.... old!  Bree threw it in trash!"
Oh, I love her more every moment!  Just when I thought I could not possibly love her any more.... I do!
She is the funniest person I have ever known! Thank you, Jesus!  You not only gave me the most precious child ever, but you also gave me the funniest one you've ever made!!  :-)  Thank you!

Single Motherhood: Behind the Scenes

There are questions that people ask me about what it's like to be a single mom. Typically, the questions are very indirect. It's rare that someone just comes right out and asks a question regarding how I handle it or what it is really like to be a single parent.

On the flip side (this mostly pertains to those who don't have children at all), there are some people in my life that have absolutely no idea what it takes to be a parent, let alone a single parent. So, it's been on my heart to address it, to give it a voice, a color, a story.  This is what our life, my life as a single Mommy really looks like....

Let's start with some facts.  I have primary custody of my little angel, who is now (nearly) 3 & 1/2 years old.  Our custody agreements are a little different that standard P & A (divorce language for "possession and access") or what is understood as visitation, but generally, I have Bree 90-95% of the time. She is with her Dad 4 nights of the month. That's it.

Thankfully, her Dad and I have come a long way. Not only do we get along for the sake of our daughter (which we have been pretty good about early on in our never ending divorce proceedings), but we have begun to move back into a friendship type relationship. We were best friends for the better part of the 11 years we were together, and I am so grateful that is where we are at this point.  Nevertheless, Nick has a very VERY demanding job that keeps him away more than not, with extremely long hours and traveling.

I have been working with Bree and trying to prepare her for a part-time pre-school program that was to start this January.  I just found out that the spot I was told they had available for Bree in this particular program, was not really there - or had been given to someone else. GRRRRRRR!!!!  So, I don't even know what to do, but I know without a shadow of a doubt - Bree needs to be around other kiddos. She needs the socialization, and she also needs to step into doing things without mommy.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE doing things with my angel!  I also know that it is in her best interest that she is around other kiddos & realizes how brilliant & independent she really is.... and how fun it is to have friends!

I always wanted to be a Mom.  My whole life, I could not wait to have children and be a Mommy!  I always always wanted to be able to stay home with my kiddos until they went to school, even if that meant waiting until I was a little older.  So, I am unbelievably grateful to not only be a Mom, but to be able to stay home with my angel, until she is a little older & off at school most days.  Nevertheless, I don't believe most people, unless they have done it, really and truly know how hard it is & what it takes to be a stay at home mom.  It is not easy, lazy, or eating bon bons .... EVER!

To be a single stay at home mom.... well, this is what it looks like:

*No breaks... ever.... 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

-Bath time, bedtime, nap (which rarely happens these days), snack time, meal time - every meal, projects, playtime, crafts, puzzles, books - story time, play-dates, doctors appointments, every cold or virus, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, house hold budges, paying bills, movies, outings, etc..... Being a single stay at home Mommy means handling/juggling all of this and so much more - on my own.

-It means that having a child that is a terrible sleeper, your bed is not your own, and that sleep is a luxury you very very rarely get!

-It also means that I don't have a break in the evenings, like many woman do when their spouses come home - to have a bath by themselves, or even run to the store kid free for an hour.

-So, 95% of every bath or shower you have, is shared with a pre-schooler who is either actually bathing with you, or dismantling your bathroom while you rush through your shower (barely washing out the conditioner from your hair and never feeling like you shaved your legs without missing a spot or nicking yourself).

-It also means that I don't have a person to snuggle up with on the couch on rainy sunday afternoons, while we laugh and play with our beautiful daughter that we made together & was given to us by God. -It means that attending Church on Sundays feels like shit, now, because suddenly Sunday church feels like a different world, a different life.... for those families with a husband, wife, and kids. So, Saturday nights becomes the only time that rightfully feels like church time.

-It means finding a church home by yourself, and making all of the spiritual choices for your child's foundation - alone.

-It means that I don't have someone to talk with & figure out what pre-schools we should be thinking about or looking at, to discuss life and to encourage each other, or some one to hold me or rub my back on bad days.

-It means surrendering the dreams I had of having 3 or 4 children, and the life I always felt was intended for me.

-It means not just having Faith, but acting in Faith all of the time... which are very different.  It means, sometimes, somedays I may not even be able to see the ground beneath my feet or have any understanding how I will get through today or whatever is directly ahead of me. So, I must chose to  act in Faith & trust that God will allow the ground to meet my feet in every step I make that day. I must have Faith that God will meet me where I am, and the provisions will be made for me, even when I can not see or understand.

-It means, if I ever wish or want to have a partner in my life, I must date again.... which I've never really done, anyway.

-It means, balance.... finding a balance in EVERYTHING, and never really knowing if what you are doing is the right thing. It is giving yourself permission to accept that you are doing the best you can with what you have at the time.

Being a single mom that stays at home and is now back in school, is literally the combination of 3 different worlds that would be plenty enough to handle separately:

1. Being a Mom

2. Being single

3. Being a student

This is just a glance, a brief & not at all thorough glance at what life looks like, being a single stay at home Mommy who is now back in school too.  So, I hope it answers some questions, helps you hold & be thankful for the partner you may have, or allows you some patience with other single Mommies.  It is tough, but I know God will never give me more than I can handle. I also know that the dreams & desires that God had for me and my life, are often bigger than my own.  I may not be able to see fully around the bend, but I do have Faith that there is a purpose for it all.

Big Girl Bed!!

Well, we are now 2 nights into the big transition of Bree sleeping in her very own room.... for really the first time ever!!
It is going a little better than I first anticipated, but I know it will still take a little while for it to feel "normal" to both of us.
Last night, She actually made it to 4:30am.... then she fell out of bed.  :-(  So, Mommy slept with her for the last couple of hours.

Bree is also going potty more & more on her little potty!! I can't believe how big she is getting, and I have a feeling that 6 months from now will look & feel very different around here! 
Gosh... It does go so fast!

So, very very thankful for all the small & large blessings in our lives, as we continue to find our own path in this new journey.

Poop!

Hahaha! So eloquently titled, I know!  What more can I say?  Bree pooped in the potty for the very first time!! Potty training in full swing, now! Yay!! 

For those that are thinking, okay thanks.... too much information, Allison, ....maybe that is true. However, this blog, although sadly neglected for sometime, is all about documenting OUR lives together. It also helps me record milestone dates, because I am behind on her baby book. This blog often lets me go back & fill in the dates for her little book. And pooping in the potty for the first time, it really is a big deal!  So, who cares about a little poo talk, right? That's what I thought! So, Ice cream & dance party for everyone, it's time to celebrate!!  ;-)

It's funny, I actually bought her big girl panties yesterday at Kohl's, hoping it would encourage her to want to lose the diaper. Ha! Well, I guess she was ready too..... that or she really likes the cool big girl panties & boy shorts I bought. I dunno, but GOOD JOB BABY GIRL!!  I am SO PROUD of YOU!!

3 Years...

Could it be that long ago?? It seems like I waited forever, prayed my whole live, then prayed tearfully for months just before, longing for you .... and then suddenly, it happened. I found out 3 years ago today that you were there, you were finally on your way! I was pregnant, and you were growing inside of me... two hearts in one body.


Oh, words could never describe the unbelievable joy that broke all the walls down in my heart that could ever suggest that love has a limit. Angel, never has there been a daughter that was ever wanted & loved more than you! My love for you, Aubrey, has taught me true & unconditional - limitless love!! Although...I feel I must add, that I believe you have always been there, baby doll.... you were with me before & always. I think that is why my heart ached so during the waiting time between my birth & yours, because I missed you, my love. I know that Mommy had to come first & prepare a path for you, but I will admit that there were days I wasn't very patient in waiting. Hahaha... oh... I wished for you so!

Unfortunately, it didnt turn out the way I had always believed & prayed it would be for you. The life I wished, prayed, and tried with all my might to give you .... was a different image than the life we have today. That doesn't mean that the one I hoped for & lost was better, no... I have faith that the life we are building, the path Mommy is mowing down for you to follow behind.... it WILL BE BEAUTIFUL and PERFECTLY and UNIQUELY OURS. Colorful, healthy, fun, true, real, open, loving, graceful, with endless possibilities & adventures.... this is our life now, baby.

My little angel, when I was pregnant with you & even now, I can almost picture you waiting patiently in the arms of our Father for the day when He would lovingly kiss your face and place you in my arms... waiting patiently for your time to begin your life and new journey. Oh my, how very very lucky am I? Blessed beyond measure...

Thank you, Father.....Thank you, Lord for your faithfulness. Thank you for placing your most amazing miracle in my arms, to call me Mommy. I know the honor You have bestowed upon me with this precious gift, my daughter. I ask that You, please continue to light our path, guide me in all I do, and for love to be the only language we act with, speak with, and dwell in for all our days.

Aubrey, thank You, little Love, for choosing me to be your Mommy! I could never wish for anyone more. I adore you, and I cherish every precious moment we have together. You are the most glorious child, most amazing person I have ever known. I am so proud of you, and for you to call me Mommy! I feel like I wear a first place blue ribbon across my heart everytime I look at you & understand, you... beautiful little you, you are my daughter.

Some say that energy never dies, it only changes form. I believe this is true. Some believe we have been here before, in different decades/centuries,that we have lived before. I also believe this is a very real possibility. I believe that you & I have walk hand in hand before. Maybe always. For how could I have ever once existed without you?? Simple. I didn't... you have always been.... your energy, your little spirit was part of the spark that started it all.

So, today..... you are why. You are why today is remembered with celebration & pure joy... the day we found out you finally on your way!!

3 years.... my God... how much has happened in such little time...

Computer crash.....

Yes, my computer crashed!  I have never had this happen before, where my computer crashed so totally & completely that literally nothing happens when i turn it on. 

SO.... there is so much I have in me to write, to share, to get out..... but it will have to wait for now.  I have an old computer I am trying to get up & running while I figure out if & how to fix my other - better computer.

I also wanted to let any anonymous readers know that I will be making this blog private once more.  I might write a separate one from Aubrey that I leave open, but as it is now, this one will be invitation only very soon.  Most of my readers are aware of this, but if you didn't get the message & would like to continue reading this blog.... email/text/message me your email address.  I will add you to the readers list, and you will simple receive an email inviting you to read this blog by simply entering in a password of your choosing.

I pray each of my lovely friends & readers are doing well.

With love & light,
Allison

allison.r.sapp@sbcglobal.net

Pee & She is getting SO BIG!

Bree did it... SHE DID IT!!!! She used the big potty for the first time!!! She sat on her little toilet seat that fits on top of the real toilet, and she went pee pee!!  WoooHoooo!!

Mommy is so very very proud of you, baby!!

In the middle of our victory ice cream & dance party, after she used the potty..... Nick showed up and took her for his overnight visit with her.  Boo. We didn't even get to eat our ice cream.  Oh, well.... we shall celebrate all week!! 


:-( Missing my baby, already.